i think after a certain amount of exuberant joy there is the same coming down as with any other high. in the moments after there is insecurity. uneasiness. a feeling of drifting maybe. a lull. a slice of non-life. or so it seems. after you have been so happy. now in moments of just simple nothing. are you bored? do you reflect and question too much how legit the source was? do you question if you deserve it?
"deserve"
this word is startling to me. when used. when i try to decipher it in any meaning, in any sense really... it does not seem right. does anyone deserve anything? if not, someone cannot be unable to deserve something. too many negatives. the only times we get to use this i think is when we are talking of base things "deserving respect, life, liberty, happyness" etc. deserving of happyness. that puts a warped twist on deserving things in our egocentric minds. me me me. i deserve everything. everything will make me happy.
i go on tangents.
i wish my roommates tv had a lower volume. but i can't complain after last night. even though she doesn't work on thursdays.
snow storm tomorrow. snow reminds me of childhood. of those snowboots that went up to your knees, almost. the feet and feet of white clean powder that would collect between our homes and the bay. the city would sparkle. briefly. this is one of the few things i remember. things associated with my home when i grew up. of playing. of stray cats and pet squirrels. of our make believe foods (which were rather poisonous soups). good things. joy even. have always mingled with snow.
humans and their fascinations. if it sparkles. if it only lasts a moment. if its something we can't hold and keep to our hearts. we want it even more.
in the short term i have very strong visual memory. i think in the long term i have taught myself to forget most of it. things come back in pangs. good things, bad things. all the same its a pang of vision of scent of a sense of space and touch. of being back there. wide awake dreams. my mind fixates on some.
recent. a smile in a doorway. stuck in my head like a photo.
many others. fast motion brief slideshows. (i wish not to share.)
a conversation clip i can't remember word for word but i feel the sentiment. that desire to get what we deserve, eh. to make those brief moments of luster compound and collect and fix into place. memories into present. even if we run from permanence. i think we seek it. we seek its comfort. its calming space. (what was it? relaxing? no...)
sometimes i search for words for names for something in my head and i feel like the connection will never take. what is it, what is it? it screams. things flash up that are not right. and they get stuck on the tongue. and i can't seem to find it. till i give up and it floats up on its own. as if i'm remembering it for the first time.
everyone wants to feel good. we make moments. we make nests. we remember and try to repeat and bring forth that content feeling. sometimes we sleep too much. waiting.
i think its easier if we stop questioning so much. but we can never leave well enough alone. (as the saying goes.)
i for one, sleep too little. think too much (after the fact, mostly). and of course, desire everything. and the one thing i wish we had the ability to do was record our visual memories. or at least store them better. snapshots, videos, in the mind of things you saw and experienced... they are always better than the ones your camera catches. if only i had a genie and a wish.
~ amorette
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
i noticed today
i noticed today that i had picked up some breakfast bars made by this coffee shop i went to once in pittsburg. reminded me of that time. hit a little somewhere inside.
i've been melancholy all day.
but the weather was great. and i bought new gym shoes. and a new comforter. and threw out two pairs of shoes (i can't remember the last time i did that). and the old comforter is sitting atop my closet shelf 6' up. pending garbage or what i do not know. always seems a shame to dispose of things which are still useful. but i would have to clean it to give it away. and in a few minutes i will collect my 3 loads of laundry. sadly i have at least 3 more to do. laundry never ends. just like the repetitiveness of hunger and fatigue and day to day to day.
wish i had more to say to keep conversations going forever. so there wouldn't be that lull at the end of a good sequence of hours. the face falls slack. the sad thoughts and fears are allowed to come back. then its time to go back to your box that contains all your possessions. that is your life. this is what i am. see it. its clean. its tidy. its warmly colored. but its empty. its still empty.
i've been melancholy all day.
but the weather was great. and i bought new gym shoes. and a new comforter. and threw out two pairs of shoes (i can't remember the last time i did that). and the old comforter is sitting atop my closet shelf 6' up. pending garbage or what i do not know. always seems a shame to dispose of things which are still useful. but i would have to clean it to give it away. and in a few minutes i will collect my 3 loads of laundry. sadly i have at least 3 more to do. laundry never ends. just like the repetitiveness of hunger and fatigue and day to day to day.
wish i had more to say to keep conversations going forever. so there wouldn't be that lull at the end of a good sequence of hours. the face falls slack. the sad thoughts and fears are allowed to come back. then its time to go back to your box that contains all your possessions. that is your life. this is what i am. see it. its clean. its tidy. its warmly colored. but its empty. its still empty.
its a problem of options
so how do you know who is the one? since we are only allowed one. at least one at a time. now that the internet may simplify the problem of a lack of options (for those blessed with the skill of the self portrait) it is now a problem of options available in rapid succession.
and its a two way road. we both have this. or we may initially assume we are equally as desirable.
its jump quick catch cling hold on and ride it out.
or what is it?
bait wait mull toil dig urself a little ditch and stick with the one who falls in.
sometimes thinking builds knots and coils in my stomach.
wanting makes me feel i haven't enough oxygen. no matter how slow and deep i breathe.
if i shake it up enough maybe something will rise to the surface and the rest fall out of view at the bottom.
patience is often not an option. not when oxygen is thin.
and its a two way road. we both have this. or we may initially assume we are equally as desirable.
its jump quick catch cling hold on and ride it out.
or what is it?
bait wait mull toil dig urself a little ditch and stick with the one who falls in.
sometimes thinking builds knots and coils in my stomach.
wanting makes me feel i haven't enough oxygen. no matter how slow and deep i breathe.
if i shake it up enough maybe something will rise to the surface and the rest fall out of view at the bottom.
patience is often not an option. not when oxygen is thin.
Monday, January 21, 2008
so its cold in boston (finally)
it has been a very cold weekend. and tomorrow it will be 19F. yay. not really. i have to go outside tomorrow. haha. but at least its a tuesday and not a monday. that means closer to friday. not that i want the time to fly so fast that i'm old before i know it (which is what it feels like to me beckoning on the weekend every weekday). i want to do fun things on tuesdays too!
so lets see. on friday all i did was go to the gym. which was a feat in itself. then the next day i slept in. which is great. thats what weekends are for! and i enjoyed not driving all over the place for once. i went to see "no country for old men" with my somerville pal erick. the movie i did enjoy despite the fact that it involved a madman hunting people. it had a lot of character. and by that i mean the actors actually played distinct characters and it was actually a good show. i mean not boring. it was fluent and made ya think about what the hell was going on... and a little squeamish. then we were starved so we walked through the desolate looking streets surrounding kendall sq. and happened upon a restaurant called b sides that didn't look open but oh it was. and i did have a super tasty hot pastrami sandwich and a gin based drink called "monkey glands" which i think was probably much tastier than actual glands of any animal. but i'm pretty sure it gave me that acid stomach feeling in the middle of the night (somewhere between 3am and 1pm). and i knew i shouldn't of had orange juice two times in one day. not to mention with gin (the second time). haha. but tums always saves me.
u know boston is small so u'd think surrounding towns would be easy to get to. and well they are. but you have to make sure to catch a T back before they close up shop (or be prepared to shell out a bunch for a cab). so it kind of limits hanging out time with those who live across the charles. haha. unless little bike made it out for a spin. or u hung out till around 5am. but damn its bitter out. i'd need a ski mask. and snowsuit. and uh then i'd look crazy. but that's to be expected. wish i had room for a big bike. i could keep one in the basement. i saw some others locked up there. i may look into that since i have one sitting at home doing nothing. but i <3 little bike.
so i signed up for this site 'okcupid' on kudos from my friend sir mike. seems like there may some interesting folk on there to chat with and perhaps extract some friendships. i mean at least some busy nights on the calendar would make it worth its while. u never know where u'll find ur inspiration. or something. maybe i'll transform myself into a socialite yet. or at least go back to being an avid online socialite. then maybe i'll be one of those rad kids with those mobile devices IM'n (and bloggin) via that so i can not be confined to the room with my mini mac. mayhaps some conversations with some new folks will bring on some inspiration or some opportunities to explore this lil' city by the bay. i do enjoy a good talk.
anyway. i promised myself i'd go to sleep before midnight. so off i go.
'nite
<3 amorette
so lets see. on friday all i did was go to the gym. which was a feat in itself. then the next day i slept in. which is great. thats what weekends are for! and i enjoyed not driving all over the place for once. i went to see "no country for old men" with my somerville pal erick. the movie i did enjoy despite the fact that it involved a madman hunting people. it had a lot of character. and by that i mean the actors actually played distinct characters and it was actually a good show. i mean not boring. it was fluent and made ya think about what the hell was going on... and a little squeamish. then we were starved so we walked through the desolate looking streets surrounding kendall sq. and happened upon a restaurant called b sides that didn't look open but oh it was. and i did have a super tasty hot pastrami sandwich and a gin based drink called "monkey glands" which i think was probably much tastier than actual glands of any animal. but i'm pretty sure it gave me that acid stomach feeling in the middle of the night (somewhere between 3am and 1pm). and i knew i shouldn't of had orange juice two times in one day. not to mention with gin (the second time). haha. but tums always saves me.
u know boston is small so u'd think surrounding towns would be easy to get to. and well they are. but you have to make sure to catch a T back before they close up shop (or be prepared to shell out a bunch for a cab). so it kind of limits hanging out time with those who live across the charles. haha. unless little bike made it out for a spin. or u hung out till around 5am. but damn its bitter out. i'd need a ski mask. and snowsuit. and uh then i'd look crazy. but that's to be expected. wish i had room for a big bike. i could keep one in the basement. i saw some others locked up there. i may look into that since i have one sitting at home doing nothing. but i <3 little bike.
so i signed up for this site 'okcupid' on kudos from my friend sir mike. seems like there may some interesting folk on there to chat with and perhaps extract some friendships. i mean at least some busy nights on the calendar would make it worth its while. u never know where u'll find ur inspiration. or something. maybe i'll transform myself into a socialite yet. or at least go back to being an avid online socialite. then maybe i'll be one of those rad kids with those mobile devices IM'n (and bloggin) via that so i can not be confined to the room with my mini mac. mayhaps some conversations with some new folks will bring on some inspiration or some opportunities to explore this lil' city by the bay. i do enjoy a good talk.
anyway. i promised myself i'd go to sleep before midnight. so off i go.
'nite
<3 amorette
today's odd product is...
 | Get tap-happy! Adjustable penguin feet let you tap out a tune just like Mumble. Music and motion-sensitive sound effects are in sync with your steps as you rat-a-tat-tat. Requires four "AA" batteries, included. One size fits ages 4 to 8. so this i had to blog about. because not only is it hilarious that you can now tap "like Mumble" but that anyone knows thats what the silly penguin in that movie were called and that they for some reason unbeknownst to me require AA batteries. odd odd toy. |
Sunday, January 06, 2008
this concept of "fun"
so i've been the laziest person this weekend. doing nothing so far. although i fear i may break that trend to go purchase some groceries... seeing as the 1/4 of the fridge i usually take up is empty. except for some leftover pancakes. those veggie burgers in the freezer are starting to look like food.
so i think most of us sit around lamenting not doing anything fun. we spend most of our time trying to come up with something to do. at this i am at a loss currently. basically because it requires going to bed on time and getting up early to do anything actually productive or even entertaining. and this i am not a master of. i think i shall make a point of 'early to bed early to rise' this week. i've tried to do this before. but i think things have calmed down a bit. i really have no reason to stay up late. except for the occasional social occasion. which usually involves CT. i need to make some roots here. and by roots i mean i need to find people who knows what this concept of fun is. or maybe have no life and are just creative. because if someone does 'have a life' they are always way too busy for their free space to coincide with my abundance of free space. which i mean figuratively because i occupy a very tiny space.
so my current qualms are: empty fridge, this gym membership i have now but have not used yet, my lack of gym appropriate shoes, TV/entertainment system still not cohesive (ie i have a dvd recorder i can not figure out how to hook up), a dead roomba i have to get rid of or try to "repair" but its not fiscally worth it, the never ending search for some kind of furniture that fits in a 20" wide space which will accommodate my heavier pants which are sure to break the bar in my closet, the pot rack i still have not put up in the kitchen, the jewelry cabinet i have not put together but am waiting on pending this "furniture" issue, oh and of course the persistent need of a good hair cut, something to do, the possibility of grad school, and the payments on my loan i have to figure out...
so my head is so full that nothing gets done very efficiently. i think i spent most of yesterday watching PBS, sweating myself into a coma, cooking, cleaning & laundry. of course i still have 2 loads of laundry and a huge mass of things i need to hand wash. i should just throw them out and save myself the trouble.
so life is very domestic at the moment. and i fear it will stay that way at least until i get all my qualms settled. then onto defining fun.
<3 amorette
so i think most of us sit around lamenting not doing anything fun. we spend most of our time trying to come up with something to do. at this i am at a loss currently. basically because it requires going to bed on time and getting up early to do anything actually productive or even entertaining. and this i am not a master of. i think i shall make a point of 'early to bed early to rise' this week. i've tried to do this before. but i think things have calmed down a bit. i really have no reason to stay up late. except for the occasional social occasion. which usually involves CT. i need to make some roots here. and by roots i mean i need to find people who knows what this concept of fun is. or maybe have no life and are just creative. because if someone does 'have a life' they are always way too busy for their free space to coincide with my abundance of free space. which i mean figuratively because i occupy a very tiny space.
so my current qualms are: empty fridge, this gym membership i have now but have not used yet, my lack of gym appropriate shoes, TV/entertainment system still not cohesive (ie i have a dvd recorder i can not figure out how to hook up), a dead roomba i have to get rid of or try to "repair" but its not fiscally worth it, the never ending search for some kind of furniture that fits in a 20" wide space which will accommodate my heavier pants which are sure to break the bar in my closet, the pot rack i still have not put up in the kitchen, the jewelry cabinet i have not put together but am waiting on pending this "furniture" issue, oh and of course the persistent need of a good hair cut, something to do, the possibility of grad school, and the payments on my loan i have to figure out...
so my head is so full that nothing gets done very efficiently. i think i spent most of yesterday watching PBS, sweating myself into a coma, cooking, cleaning & laundry. of course i still have 2 loads of laundry and a huge mass of things i need to hand wash. i should just throw them out and save myself the trouble.
so life is very domestic at the moment. and i fear it will stay that way at least until i get all my qualms settled. then onto defining fun.
<3 amorette
Saturday, January 05, 2008
ellie hamper
 elephant hamper | omg. i had to blog this... cuz its hilarious. and besides penguins, elephants are my favorite animals. i'm rambling around amazon looking for something to spend my $25 gift card on. but i will have another $50 one at some point when i get my credit card company to mail it to me. anyway. i like creative people who come up with these things lol. |
Friday, December 28, 2007
confessions, randomly strewn
every night
i am horribly drawn to call him
missing the closeness
that perhaps was entirely fantasy
imagination is a skill of mine
now i feel i've dropped from his life
too distant, full too of denial
and strange things
he has never stirred in me
bubbling to the surface
fear. apprehension.
realization: i wanted to please
feelings of failure
remission & weakness
gnawing need
empty empty depths
feeling of being left behind
scraping not falling together
scattered me
hiding meaning in puzzled words
finding myself alone
entrapped with vivid imagination
wanting to hear that voice
the voice that could make my blood rush
my heart dizzy
those words i heard
every night
months ago now
months ago, but it doesn't seem so
buried in the past
time travel doesn't seem so impossible
· · · ·
i lie to myself about anticipation
while the sun hangs in the sky
as night finds me burying myself
in other peoples fantastic stories
i dig out my own
and scare myself from sleep
falsified
anticipation of a future
a new year, new life
hope? i can not find hope
trapped in the past
must manifest -
try not to play pretend
must create a happiness
build a dream from earthly roots
until it is real
until i have a spirit to speak to
late into the morning
to set the fascinations to rest
let hope give way to dreams
and rest give way to sleep
· · · ·
let go of desires
pushed into dormancy with distance
he will not be there to answer
let go
create
flourish
i speak a chant to myself
like a prayer
with no God to hear
ushering me on
do good do good
change grow flourish
forgiven not forgotten
friend not lover
adjust adapt recoup
· · · ·
just another year
(he said it was so long)
truth speaks it was brief
passing moment in the wake of a life
with minds eager to form new memories
· · · ·
thoughts colliding too much,
everything becomes incoherent
not simple
no direct contrast, no left and right
black nor white
this is life
we live in our deconstructions
hard to imagine
you desire freedom
i desire shackles
you feel relief
i curse freedom
solitary
a weak point
drifting in a stream of chaos
collisions
scribe destiny
with the ebbing of the waves
swaying of all that is untethered
in a wind you can not tame
· · · ·
we didn't want to be our parents
held them up as idols
to reminds us what we should not become
moments flash in memory
i was my mothers temper
i failed
moments
you were your fathers demons
you failed
we could not succeed
· · · ·
pain ripples across the center of my forehead
i am still young i am still young
but a wrinkle lies there sometimes
i know why inside
i know why scars appear
i know why i feel so bitter
pit of the stomach
where i feel the acid churn
when i "forget" to eat
i shake when i remember
i forgot to be unlike them
i have not changed
i have not
i want to, need to, change
in my head often it talks
all about me
and when it wells up
when i feel as if i'd wretch
when it feels as if i tried too hard
to please you
or tried to hard to please me
through you
it runs about confused
in memory in sadness
in my anger
the pain shoots across my forehead
down into the depths
of whatever i am
i know i failed myself
its all about me
i was trained well
even though i don't want it to be
i want to change
wanted to let you in
thought that would help
soften a heart of stone
i am still young i am still young
like a mind,
can not a heart still grow?
i am horribly drawn to call him
missing the closeness
that perhaps was entirely fantasy
imagination is a skill of mine
now i feel i've dropped from his life
too distant, full too of denial
and strange things
he has never stirred in me
bubbling to the surface
fear. apprehension.
realization: i wanted to please
feelings of failure
remission & weakness
gnawing need
empty empty depths
feeling of being left behind
scraping not falling together
scattered me
hiding meaning in puzzled words
finding myself alone
entrapped with vivid imagination
wanting to hear that voice
the voice that could make my blood rush
my heart dizzy
those words i heard
every night
months ago now
months ago, but it doesn't seem so
buried in the past
time travel doesn't seem so impossible
· · · ·
i lie to myself about anticipation
while the sun hangs in the sky
as night finds me burying myself
in other peoples fantastic stories
i dig out my own
and scare myself from sleep
falsified
anticipation of a future
a new year, new life
hope? i can not find hope
trapped in the past
must manifest -
try not to play pretend
must create a happiness
build a dream from earthly roots
until it is real
until i have a spirit to speak to
late into the morning
to set the fascinations to rest
let hope give way to dreams
and rest give way to sleep
· · · ·
let go of desires
pushed into dormancy with distance
he will not be there to answer
let go
create
flourish
i speak a chant to myself
like a prayer
with no God to hear
ushering me on
do good do good
change grow flourish
forgiven not forgotten
friend not lover
adjust adapt recoup
· · · ·
just another year
(he said it was so long)
truth speaks it was brief
passing moment in the wake of a life
with minds eager to form new memories
· · · ·
thoughts colliding too much,
everything becomes incoherent
not simple
no direct contrast, no left and right
black nor white
this is life
we live in our deconstructions
hard to imagine
you desire freedom
i desire shackles
you feel relief
i curse freedom
solitary
a weak point
drifting in a stream of chaos
collisions
scribe destiny
with the ebbing of the waves
swaying of all that is untethered
in a wind you can not tame
· · · ·
we didn't want to be our parents
held them up as idols
to reminds us what we should not become
moments flash in memory
i was my mothers temper
i failed
moments
you were your fathers demons
you failed
we could not succeed
· · · ·
pain ripples across the center of my forehead
i am still young i am still young
but a wrinkle lies there sometimes
i know why inside
i know why scars appear
i know why i feel so bitter
pit of the stomach
where i feel the acid churn
when i "forget" to eat
i shake when i remember
i forgot to be unlike them
i have not changed
i have not
i want to, need to, change
in my head often it talks
all about me
and when it wells up
when i feel as if i'd wretch
when it feels as if i tried too hard
to please you
or tried to hard to please me
through you
it runs about confused
in memory in sadness
in my anger
the pain shoots across my forehead
down into the depths
of whatever i am
i know i failed myself
its all about me
i was trained well
even though i don't want it to be
i want to change
wanted to let you in
thought that would help
soften a heart of stone
i am still young i am still young
like a mind,
can not a heart still grow?
friday.
nothing too eventful today. hence no exciting title. let's see... i can bore you with some mundane details...
i rolled out of bed sort of late... sometime before noon... felt like 11. mom made waffles but it was more of an experiment because she tried to make the batter out of flour, sugar, egg, and baking soda. prolly milk too. anyway. combine that with the fact that the waffle maker is on the fritz (the hinge broke) so they weren't the best waffles. and kind of soggy on top. but any waffle is better than no waffle eh? altho the whole upstairs smelled like fried green peppers cuz my dad made home fries. well sort of. big potatoes that are fried. so pseudo home fries. i guess it depends on how you eat them. anyway the smell threw off the waffle taste.
checked my facebook today. i haven't been online in a few days. and i'm shocked at how some of the people i went to high school with are engaged to each other. its crazy. i guess u turn 24 and you need to be married? lol. i don't know. well actually just that they are dating STILL is miracle enough to mean marriage is eminent. i guess. haha. also amazes me since i had no interest in dating anyone from my high school. i haven't seen anyone around town. but i haven't gone looking. i did see a girl at the mall that lived across from me at uconn. but uh we weren't friends. to say the least.
also i saw on my comments that there is a sequel to 'saturday night fever.' lol. yes i don't know these things b/c those movies are so cheesy that i try to ignore their existence - and i think Travolta is sorta scary. and kinda looks like he has a reptiles' head.
hmm. so yesterday we were going to go to nyc. so my mom could go to the dentist. but we didn't get woken up till 10am. so it was a lost cause. and it was ice raining. which sucks. so we headed out to get there a little late... but gave up and just went to the mall. lol. i got a neat dress i may wear on new years. and a really weird sweater that has arms that only go to your elbows and then its kind of like a shawl. so weird. and one of those skirts that has a high waist and surprisingly doesn't make me look pregnant. and a couple other things that i can't wear to work. lol. i need to have an outside of work life so i can wear all my cute clothes ;p
i'm kind of glad we didn't go to the city. its so dismal. i like it... but i need to have something fun to do if i go there. not just claustrophobic car induced fights with family and bad diner food. and reminds me all the stuff i didn't do when i used to go visit plunk. we shoulda made ourselves do more fun stuff. i think we'd have known each other better then. instead of just being lazy asses. but i guess that takes creativity and planning. and laziness is so easy. like for example... i've done nothing this week. 'cept shopping and watching films. and i finished a book and started a scary one on aliens. which caused nightmares so i quit reading. and started another one. which i've started several times and never finished because the characters seem all violent and mean and i can't identify with them. and its just no good that way. so if anyone has some book suggestions i'm open. i've got 2 to read back at my apartment. so they'll keep me busy for a while. lol. i'm slow.
i am psyched about new years, starting a new year, my gym membership starting when i get back to boston... i think i need new sneakers tho (my old ones are from high school) with all the shoes i have you'd think i'd have newer sneakers. they just don't look like they are worn out yet. but i'm no gym shoe expert. but not too psyched about courses not starting till the 15th so i have 2 weeks of work with no students around to keep me busy. but i guess i'll get through it. always find something to do. or else i'll have to convince myself to learn some new things.
can't believe my sister is going to be 20 in a few days. and i'm heading towards 25 next year. i'll definitely put "quarter-life crisis" on my to do list. although i think i may have had it already. hah.
<3
i rolled out of bed sort of late... sometime before noon... felt like 11. mom made waffles but it was more of an experiment because she tried to make the batter out of flour, sugar, egg, and baking soda. prolly milk too. anyway. combine that with the fact that the waffle maker is on the fritz (the hinge broke) so they weren't the best waffles. and kind of soggy on top. but any waffle is better than no waffle eh? altho the whole upstairs smelled like fried green peppers cuz my dad made home fries. well sort of. big potatoes that are fried. so pseudo home fries. i guess it depends on how you eat them. anyway the smell threw off the waffle taste.
checked my facebook today. i haven't been online in a few days. and i'm shocked at how some of the people i went to high school with are engaged to each other. its crazy. i guess u turn 24 and you need to be married? lol. i don't know. well actually just that they are dating STILL is miracle enough to mean marriage is eminent. i guess. haha. also amazes me since i had no interest in dating anyone from my high school. i haven't seen anyone around town. but i haven't gone looking. i did see a girl at the mall that lived across from me at uconn. but uh we weren't friends. to say the least.
also i saw on my comments that there is a sequel to 'saturday night fever.' lol. yes i don't know these things b/c those movies are so cheesy that i try to ignore their existence - and i think Travolta is sorta scary. and kinda looks like he has a reptiles' head.
hmm. so yesterday we were going to go to nyc. so my mom could go to the dentist. but we didn't get woken up till 10am. so it was a lost cause. and it was ice raining. which sucks. so we headed out to get there a little late... but gave up and just went to the mall. lol. i got a neat dress i may wear on new years. and a really weird sweater that has arms that only go to your elbows and then its kind of like a shawl. so weird. and one of those skirts that has a high waist and surprisingly doesn't make me look pregnant. and a couple other things that i can't wear to work. lol. i need to have an outside of work life so i can wear all my cute clothes ;p
i'm kind of glad we didn't go to the city. its so dismal. i like it... but i need to have something fun to do if i go there. not just claustrophobic car induced fights with family and bad diner food. and reminds me all the stuff i didn't do when i used to go visit plunk. we shoulda made ourselves do more fun stuff. i think we'd have known each other better then. instead of just being lazy asses. but i guess that takes creativity and planning. and laziness is so easy. like for example... i've done nothing this week. 'cept shopping and watching films. and i finished a book and started a scary one on aliens. which caused nightmares so i quit reading. and started another one. which i've started several times and never finished because the characters seem all violent and mean and i can't identify with them. and its just no good that way. so if anyone has some book suggestions i'm open. i've got 2 to read back at my apartment. so they'll keep me busy for a while. lol. i'm slow.
i am psyched about new years, starting a new year, my gym membership starting when i get back to boston... i think i need new sneakers tho (my old ones are from high school) with all the shoes i have you'd think i'd have newer sneakers. they just don't look like they are worn out yet. but i'm no gym shoe expert. but not too psyched about courses not starting till the 15th so i have 2 weeks of work with no students around to keep me busy. but i guess i'll get through it. always find something to do. or else i'll have to convince myself to learn some new things.
can't believe my sister is going to be 20 in a few days. and i'm heading towards 25 next year. i'll definitely put "quarter-life crisis" on my to do list. although i think i may have had it already. hah.
<3
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
on another note (web browsers)
so i created this layout on my mac... and those mac scrollbars aren't changeable with style tags like on windows so it may not be so aesthetically pleasing on there... but looks chic on the windows platform. sigh. i will have to convert to something mac-visible. but i'll save that for later...
christmas day.
so last time i tried to publish it wouldn't go through... so it just got published now (free servers have their issues haha)
so christmas day is over. i pretty much knew what i was going to get. i got the panini maker i wanted. so now i can make hot and toasty sandwiches whenever i want lol. too bad i don't have 2 (one for at work) but that's just greedy. anyway so i tested that out on the bacon for breakfast. works pretty good ;p
i think everyone liked what i got them. but ya never know. and my sis got me the husy paw pants that i always wanted at uconn but never got. i think they are a different brand now so not like $85 anymore. that was crazyness.
other than that christmas is never picture perfect like its supposed to be. ppl get grumpy and have fights about whether flaps on hats stay sewed up or go down over ur eyes. pssh. but that's my family. maybe yours is different, but then again - maybe not.
i don't know what i'll be doing the next of week. but some of it will consist of taking a few things back. and uh.. enjoying not having to get up too early. not that i've been able to sleep in since i'm on a sort of sleep schedule now. (not waking up as early as i should for work but waking up before 9am on my own without the alarm)
so let's see... we watched 'the simpsons movie' last night. it was just like a really long episode. aka. nothing special. for some reason i got the impression that they were going to be superheroes in the movie... i don't know where that came from b/c that wasn't what it was about. same themes as always (saving the evironment, geeky lisa finding boyfriends, homer being a bad parent/husband, and marge being ever so faithful to homer... and bart well envying flanders kids was odd).
my mom bought my sis a bunch of music themed/dancing musical type movies. so we watched 'saturday night fever' which was... odd... and we don't know if it was the uncut version b/c there was more nudity that we expected. and ew travolta put on some pants. anyway at least he was wearing pants aka a dress in 'hairspray' b/c we watched that too. it was kind of funny he was playing the mom... but why he's a man? we wondered if he was dancing in the fat suit. or if they had like a woman double or something. i think i saw an old version of that movie.. i don't think it was a musical... and i think it was better. this reminded me of a disney movie with real people instead of cartoons. but put enough costumes on and you'll be a cartoon. as far as 'saturday night fever' i didn't think travolta was that great of a dancer... well he was better than that girl he chose as a dance partner. her outfits reminded me of a semi-recent madonna video. gah. horrible. and sadly madonna is in better shape. oh and i wonder if/why they never did a sequel? i mean... did he find a job in manhattan? could they stay just friends? the world will never know.
ok i'm going to go play with the "salad shooter" i got for xmas and help make dinner.
<3
so christmas day is over. i pretty much knew what i was going to get. i got the panini maker i wanted. so now i can make hot and toasty sandwiches whenever i want lol. too bad i don't have 2 (one for at work) but that's just greedy. anyway so i tested that out on the bacon for breakfast. works pretty good ;p
i think everyone liked what i got them. but ya never know. and my sis got me the husy paw pants that i always wanted at uconn but never got. i think they are a different brand now so not like $85 anymore. that was crazyness.
other than that christmas is never picture perfect like its supposed to be. ppl get grumpy and have fights about whether flaps on hats stay sewed up or go down over ur eyes. pssh. but that's my family. maybe yours is different, but then again - maybe not.
i don't know what i'll be doing the next of week. but some of it will consist of taking a few things back. and uh.. enjoying not having to get up too early. not that i've been able to sleep in since i'm on a sort of sleep schedule now. (not waking up as early as i should for work but waking up before 9am on my own without the alarm)
so let's see... we watched 'the simpsons movie' last night. it was just like a really long episode. aka. nothing special. for some reason i got the impression that they were going to be superheroes in the movie... i don't know where that came from b/c that wasn't what it was about. same themes as always (saving the evironment, geeky lisa finding boyfriends, homer being a bad parent/husband, and marge being ever so faithful to homer... and bart well envying flanders kids was odd).
my mom bought my sis a bunch of music themed/dancing musical type movies. so we watched 'saturday night fever' which was... odd... and we don't know if it was the uncut version b/c there was more nudity that we expected. and ew travolta put on some pants. anyway at least he was wearing pants aka a dress in 'hairspray' b/c we watched that too. it was kind of funny he was playing the mom... but why he's a man? we wondered if he was dancing in the fat suit. or if they had like a woman double or something. i think i saw an old version of that movie.. i don't think it was a musical... and i think it was better. this reminded me of a disney movie with real people instead of cartoons. but put enough costumes on and you'll be a cartoon. as far as 'saturday night fever' i didn't think travolta was that great of a dancer... well he was better than that girl he chose as a dance partner. her outfits reminded me of a semi-recent madonna video. gah. horrible. and sadly madonna is in better shape. oh and i wonder if/why they never did a sequel? i mean... did he find a job in manhattan? could they stay just friends? the world will never know.
ok i'm going to go play with the "salad shooter" i got for xmas and help make dinner.
<3
Saturday, December 22, 2007
and i'm home for christmas
so i'm back at home for a week for our intersession break from work. and i dunno what i'll do prolly just hang with bear (who has a new dog bed - even tho he's a cat ;p) and sneeze a lot b/c of that.
today's youtube song is here. (embed was disabled!) landon pigg - "can't let go"
we're already listened to the hanson cd and we're on to julia's first mix cd. we've got a couple more to go than we may be sick of christmas music. i got home around 10pm last night so tired but stayed up till 1:30am. we started watching v for vendetta before 1am... before that we were googling youtube things. i wish my internet in boston was faster! comcast sucks!! or my wireless reception.. but likely both. plus we pay $45 a month for it... yahoo is like half of that. and so much better. gosh.
a little bit of snow flakes were coming down. mom and dad are out christmas shopping. AND i'm pissed she returned something i picked out for myself b/c according to her she "thought it was for julia and she woulndn't want it" when if she had asked dad he woulda known i picked it out for me and made him get it. grrr. she's annoying like that. past few years they have been going out last minute like this and buying crap we don't want when we'd rather they just not waste the money and be stressed out about it and annoying b/c they are stressed out about shopping. well at least mom, she hates shopping. dad just doesn't do much of it. well at least that's how i feel about it i dunno about julia she likes stuff. no matter what it is. if its wrapped up she probably wants it.
oh oh laptop you are so not cooling yourself well. i wonder if i buy a new heat sink/fan thingydoodle it will fix it. i'm scared of openin it up and messing with it. and my damn windows toolbar won't minimize to the smallest size. its stuck all big and in the wayz. garz. oh, computers.
hmmm on to AIM. haha. that is my life.
<3
today's youtube song is here. (embed was disabled!) landon pigg - "can't let go"
we're already listened to the hanson cd and we're on to julia's first mix cd. we've got a couple more to go than we may be sick of christmas music. i got home around 10pm last night so tired but stayed up till 1:30am. we started watching v for vendetta before 1am... before that we were googling youtube things. i wish my internet in boston was faster! comcast sucks!! or my wireless reception.. but likely both. plus we pay $45 a month for it... yahoo is like half of that. and so much better. gosh.
a little bit of snow flakes were coming down. mom and dad are out christmas shopping. AND i'm pissed she returned something i picked out for myself b/c according to her she "thought it was for julia and she woulndn't want it" when if she had asked dad he woulda known i picked it out for me and made him get it. grrr. she's annoying like that. past few years they have been going out last minute like this and buying crap we don't want when we'd rather they just not waste the money and be stressed out about it and annoying b/c they are stressed out about shopping. well at least mom, she hates shopping. dad just doesn't do much of it. well at least that's how i feel about it i dunno about julia she likes stuff. no matter what it is. if its wrapped up she probably wants it.
oh oh laptop you are so not cooling yourself well. i wonder if i buy a new heat sink/fan thingydoodle it will fix it. i'm scared of openin it up and messing with it. and my damn windows toolbar won't minimize to the smallest size. its stuck all big and in the wayz. garz. oh, computers.
hmmm on to AIM. haha. that is my life.
<3
Thursday, December 20, 2007
snow snow snow
its coming down and covering the ugly slush. unfortunately i'm at work all day till its dark out so i cant take any photos :(
one of these days i'll become a morning person. still hasn't happened yet. unless 2am is morning.
<3
one of these days i'll become a morning person. still hasn't happened yet. unless 2am is morning.
<3
so welcome back
i posted a quick little layout. this image is from kent falls in new milford last summer (when i went with plunk). anyway me and trees are cool. so i replaced the last trees with these. and wrote a little poem on the front about how i feel about things right now.
this wasn't what i was planning but its winter and i don't have a handle on my new camera yet. i just wanted something different other than that huge green mess i made. so maybe i feel like writing here. and all that flickr business i'm not sure of right now. or posting links to other things other than blog... i want to pick out my favorite photos i've taken and showcase those instead of just every photo i've ever taken. but as we know (if you know me) i'm horrible at choosing favorites. so this may be another project in my personal development. so i suppose right now this is a blog so me and my stalkers can talk.
and yes i'm trying to make this more private so bios will be more vague and everyone will have code names. jk. but most ppl already have code names.
and i love kevin devine (listening to him now). and jonah matranga grew up where i'm living now. so maybe there's good energy here.
as long as we can laugh we'll all be ok.
<3 amorette
this wasn't what i was planning but its winter and i don't have a handle on my new camera yet. i just wanted something different other than that huge green mess i made. so maybe i feel like writing here. and all that flickr business i'm not sure of right now. or posting links to other things other than blog... i want to pick out my favorite photos i've taken and showcase those instead of just every photo i've ever taken. but as we know (if you know me) i'm horrible at choosing favorites. so this may be another project in my personal development. so i suppose right now this is a blog so me and my stalkers can talk.
and yes i'm trying to make this more private so bios will be more vague and everyone will have code names. jk. but most ppl already have code names.
and i love kevin devine (listening to him now). and jonah matranga grew up where i'm living now. so maybe there's good energy here.
as long as we can laugh we'll all be ok.
<3 amorette
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
omg.
i finally found the stupidest item ever invented...
because you always want your ipod to be in such close proximity to all the grease we all know the george foreman is designed to create. haha.
| George Foreman iPod Grill | |
 | George Foreman iPod Grill. Ideal for indoor or outdoor use, this George Foreman electric barbeque provides a large 200-square-inch cooking surface for grilling veggies, burgers, and more. The unit's George Tough nonstick coating ensures effortless food release and simple cleanup, while its center channel drains fat away from food and into a large grease tray. The unique appliance not only grills, but it can also provide music to help set the mood--whether romantic or fun and festive during a party. For music capabilities, the unit comes equipped with a 10-watt speaker and the ability to be used with an iPod or MP3 player. Other highlights include an adjustable temperature-control probe, a sleek attractive design, and a high-domed lid. |
because you always want your ipod to be in such close proximity to all the grease we all know the george foreman is designed to create. haha.
Monday, December 10, 2007
eh?
did i ever tell you i <3 canadians? here's a song. to stall me thinking of something to say. oh, and i'm still waiting for the moffatts to come back (googling that at the moment) haha. or at least some of them *pouts* please? i still have those scbd.nu blog posts from way back when saved on blogger. (if anyone remembers that)
ben sigston - "smile"
ben sigston - "smile"
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
before
before there was you i had my blog. i had my fansites. i had another you. and now in absence here i return. back to where it began. back to talking to myself so i don't bother everyone with my lamenting. (and my opinions you may not agree with. but really i think you would. if we understood each other.)
although really it is just to lessen the load. i will still whine to ya'll.
so its winter and the fingers are numb because the kitchen is cold and the kitchen sink water is cold. my warm is toasty yet drafty. but the draft is all my fault because i still have the air conditioner in the window and have not come up with a way to rig up something to block it yet.
and i am painfully tired. constantly. but mostly because i can't sleep. and it doesnt help that my knee and my lower back are giving me shit. so i can't walk right. and that my bed has self destructed. its no longer as firm as i need it. or i feel i need it. either way something is up. i'm going to blame the tempo seat and the little bike. (or that inability to sleep).
although really it is just to lessen the load. i will still whine to ya'll.
so its winter and the fingers are numb because the kitchen is cold and the kitchen sink water is cold. my warm is toasty yet drafty. but the draft is all my fault because i still have the air conditioner in the window and have not come up with a way to rig up something to block it yet.
and i am painfully tired. constantly. but mostly because i can't sleep. and it doesnt help that my knee and my lower back are giving me shit. so i can't walk right. and that my bed has self destructed. its no longer as firm as i need it. or i feel i need it. either way something is up. i'm going to blame the tempo seat and the little bike. (or that inability to sleep).
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
new webhost
so i've been hosted on 2mhost for at least 3 years at a very reasonable less-than-20 bucks a year for 50mb. but as everyone knows i don't have a job i'd rather spend that $$ on shoes/purses on ebay or on the train to visit plunk or registering my moms domain name for another two years. oh, and free hosting is super nice. i've put my moms website on freehostia for the past year, but i never actually made it till last month. i've noticed that sometimes when i upload things the text doesn't come out right on the page when i load it. so if this occurs. not my bad. blame the free host, right? i'm sure i'll notice it and re-upload it before anyone else does. but feel free to rat on my host for me. but anyway i have more space now. so maybe my archives can come back (for sneaky people to read).
oh and [speaking of webhosts] i've just realized that trembling.org vanished. so i'll have to figure out if portland is still doing OK with the responsibility of keeping that open .. or move it to freehostia. ... maybe one day i'll want to change that. but i so like it the way it is. its like an old diary. of course without any mention of daily life. or really my life. for real.
oh and [speaking of webhosts] i've just realized that trembling.org vanished. so i'll have to figure out if portland is still doing OK with the responsibility of keeping that open .. or move it to freehostia. ... maybe one day i'll want to change that. but i so like it the way it is. its like an old diary. of course without any mention of daily life. or really my life. for real.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
web hosting .. the necessary evil
so i used to be a web host myself. way back when. lol. but now i'm not. now i don't even think i'm going to renew paying $18 for my current webhost. i have no qualms with them whatsoever. its just that even my text files were filling up 50mb and i can get 250mb for free at another site. so i'm going to try that. i'd rather pay $9+tax to renew this than $27+tax for the year. because i'm a cheap bastard. and that's why i gave up being a webhost .. because everyones cheap (not necessarily a bastard). lol. besides when i did it it was fun cuz i was chatty with the girls i hosted.
anyway stuff like this pisses me off. that must have been when i decided not to renew uncontrollable.org .. 2/4/2005. ever since then domaincollection.com has been trying to sell it at a much inflated price (i'm sure, b/c you have to contact them for an estimate). isn't 2 years long enough to tell its not going to sell? i liked it. but i can't have it now. nor any of the other names i used. because they were snatched up by the same sort of companies. so now there are tons (and tons) of websites out there that look like this. three that i stopped running weren't bought up. one because it was a .nu, one because it was a long made up word, and the third because it was a short made up word. but i would like to own the zine site we had again. just in case i was ever really bored and wanted to pick up being cool again. lmao. but really its a silly thing. there's nothing wrong with one domain name. and i've had people offer to buy this one and trembling.org (which i still own, for no reason really). and maybe they had better uses in mind. but i like denying other ppl ownership. besides it was my idea, i had it first right. if only u could own it for life w/a one time fee. that'd be easier. we'd all go around with our made up name associations. like bumper stickers on our internet personality.
at least i don't have a site that's just a webcam pointing at a fish tank. but maybe i would if i could keep fish alive.
hmm i bet the free webhost doesn't support .shtml .. hmph. [oooh it says it does <3]
~ kara
anyway stuff like this pisses me off. that must have been when i decided not to renew uncontrollable.org .. 2/4/2005. ever since then domaincollection.com has been trying to sell it at a much inflated price (i'm sure, b/c you have to contact them for an estimate). isn't 2 years long enough to tell its not going to sell? i liked it. but i can't have it now. nor any of the other names i used. because they were snatched up by the same sort of companies. so now there are tons (and tons) of websites out there that look like this. three that i stopped running weren't bought up. one because it was a .nu, one because it was a long made up word, and the third because it was a short made up word. but i would like to own the zine site we had again. just in case i was ever really bored and wanted to pick up being cool again. lmao. but really its a silly thing. there's nothing wrong with one domain name. and i've had people offer to buy this one and trembling.org (which i still own, for no reason really). and maybe they had better uses in mind. but i like denying other ppl ownership. besides it was my idea, i had it first right. if only u could own it for life w/a one time fee. that'd be easier. we'd all go around with our made up name associations. like bumper stickers on our internet personality.
at least i don't have a site that's just a webcam pointing at a fish tank. but maybe i would if i could keep fish alive.
hmm i bet the free webhost doesn't support .shtml .. hmph. [oooh it says it does <3]
~ kara
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