it feels like someone's looking at you

its been a while. there's a million things i should be doing. but this is school and doing things requires a clear head. an ability to think. i got sucked into watching some television shows. the only medical dramas i've ever been able to watch are the new ones... greys anatomy and house. but sunday night is such a convenient time to be doing nothing and watching tv so greys anatomy seems to be the only show i watch regularly. its just sad though. everything makes me tear up. they are getting good at that. making me feel something. or i'm getting more susceptible.

i'm supposed to be writing a paper on immigration. although i should have written it during spring break when i did nothing but putz around the house. but i'm not into it. i don't have any opinion. its kind of like i don't have an opinion because i'm not out making any difference in it. we're discussing racism in the community assistant course i'm taking (its actually called peer counseling, if that makes anything any clearer) and i just feel like anything i say will be useless or "wrong." we sat in our discussion class last week and we were all like "i dont know." we don't want to say anything about a theory on the development of a nonracist white identity. it doesn't make any sense. its written by an african american woman and about becoming completely racist and then turning around and blaming the people around you and then trying to change it and trying to learn from other racial identities. this whole discussion in class with identifying with a white identity i don't agree with. the article goes on about how an american white person when asked their race will say their ethnicity (english, irish, whatnot) when they should say white? why should they say white? i dont think an african american should say black. because then a haitian would have to say black too, right? because its a color. not an ethnicity. i might as well call myself pink. it has nothing to do with heritage. nothing to be proud of. its just a simple observable fact that anyone with the gift of sight can see. i dont want to have a white identity. i want to have a me identity. beyond all that bullcrap. if i don't know who i am why should i just give up and say i'm white. then they are trying to say all white people are racist because we are in the majority and its "not our fault individually" its institutional and social and we need to change the bigger picture. you know what. society and institution is just a bunch of individuals. maybe then it is the majority of the individuals. why don't they just say that. the majority of the most popular skin color still hasn't grown up. so society still sits there in the past. we're slow. things don't change in a day. it takes generations to change. it takes generations to forgive. it takes forever to know what's right.

anyway pretty soon us pale skinned kids won't be in the majority. then all those theories can just go to hell.

on a lighter note. i'm taking a nap.

~ kara