confessions, randomly strewn

every night
i am horribly drawn to call him
missing the closeness
that perhaps was entirely fantasy
imagination is a skill of mine
now i feel i've dropped from his life
too distant, full too of denial

and strange things
he has never stirred in me
bubbling to the surface
fear. apprehension.
realization: i wanted to please
feelings of failure
remission & weakness
gnawing need
empty empty depths

feeling of being left behind
scraping not falling together
scattered me

hiding meaning in puzzled words
finding myself alone
entrapped with vivid imagination
wanting to hear that voice
the voice that could make my blood rush
my heart dizzy
those words i heard
every night
months ago now

months ago, but it doesn't seem so
buried in the past
time travel doesn't seem so impossible

 · · · ·

i lie to myself about anticipation
while the sun hangs in the sky
as night finds me burying myself
in other peoples fantastic stories
i dig out my own
and scare myself from sleep

falsified
anticipation of a future
a new year, new life
hope? i can not find hope
trapped in the past
must manifest -
try not to play pretend
must create a happiness
build a dream from earthly roots
until it is real

until i have a spirit to speak to
late into the morning
to set the fascinations to rest
let hope give way to dreams
and rest give way to sleep

 · · · ·

let go of desires
pushed into dormancy with distance
he will not be there to answer

let go
create
flourish

i speak a chant to myself
like a prayer
with no God to hear
ushering me on
do good do good
change grow flourish
forgiven not forgotten
friend not lover
adjust adapt recoup

 · · · ·

just another year
(he said it was so long)
truth speaks it was brief
passing moment in the wake of a life
with minds eager to form new memories

 · · · ·

thoughts colliding too much,
everything becomes incoherent
not simple
no direct contrast, no left and right
black nor white
this is life
we live in our deconstructions

hard to imagine
you desire freedom
i desire shackles
you feel relief
i curse freedom

solitary
a weak point
drifting in a stream of chaos

collisions
scribe destiny
with the ebbing of the waves
swaying of all that is untethered
in a wind you can not tame

 · · · ·

we didn't want to be our parents
held them up as idols
to reminds us what we should not become
moments flash in memory
i was my mothers temper
i failed
moments
you were your fathers demons
you failed
we could not succeed

 · · · ·

pain ripples across the center of my forehead
i am still young i am still young
but a wrinkle lies there sometimes
i know why inside
i know why scars appear
i know why i feel so bitter
pit of the stomach
where i feel the acid churn
when i "forget" to eat
i shake when i remember
i forgot to be unlike them
i have not changed
i have not
i want to, need to, change

in my head often it talks
all about me
and when it wells up
when i feel as if i'd wretch
when it feels as if i tried too hard
to please you
or tried to hard to please me
through you
it runs about confused
in memory in sadness
in my anger

the pain shoots across my forehead
down into the depths
of whatever i am
i know i failed myself
its all about me
i was trained well
even though i don't want it to be

i want to change
wanted to let you in
thought that would help
soften a heart of stone

i am still young i am still young
like a mind,
can not a heart still grow?

friday.

nothing too eventful today. hence no exciting title. let's see... i can bore you with some mundane details...

i rolled out of bed sort of late... sometime before noon... felt like 11. mom made waffles but it was more of an experiment because she tried to make the batter out of flour, sugar, egg, and baking soda. prolly milk too. anyway. combine that with the fact that the waffle maker is on the fritz (the hinge broke) so they weren't the best waffles. and kind of soggy on top. but any waffle is better than no waffle eh? altho the whole upstairs smelled like fried green peppers cuz my dad made home fries. well sort of. big potatoes that are fried. so pseudo home fries. i guess it depends on how you eat them. anyway the smell threw off the waffle taste.

checked my facebook today. i haven't been online in a few days. and i'm shocked at how some of the people i went to high school with are engaged to each other. its crazy. i guess u turn 24 and you need to be married? lol. i don't know. well actually just that they are dating STILL is miracle enough to mean marriage is eminent. i guess. haha. also amazes me since i had no interest in dating anyone from my high school. i haven't seen anyone around town. but i haven't gone looking. i did see a girl at the mall that lived across from me at uconn. but uh we weren't friends. to say the least.

also i saw on my comments that there is a sequel to 'saturday night fever.' lol. yes i don't know these things b/c those movies are so cheesy that i try to ignore their existence - and i think Travolta is sorta scary. and kinda looks like he has a reptiles' head.

hmm. so yesterday we were going to go to nyc. so my mom could go to the dentist. but we didn't get woken up till 10am. so it was a lost cause. and it was ice raining. which sucks. so we headed out to get there a little late... but gave up and just went to the mall. lol. i got a neat dress i may wear on new years. and a really weird sweater that has arms that only go to your elbows and then its kind of like a shawl. so weird. and one of those skirts that has a high waist and surprisingly doesn't make me look pregnant. and a couple other things that i can't wear to work. lol. i need to have an outside of work life so i can wear all my cute clothes ;p

i'm kind of glad we didn't go to the city. its so dismal. i like it... but i need to have something fun to do if i go there. not just claustrophobic car induced fights with family and bad diner food. and reminds me all the stuff i didn't do when i used to go visit plunk. we shoulda made ourselves do more fun stuff. i think we'd have known each other better then. instead of just being lazy asses. but i guess that takes creativity and planning. and laziness is so easy. like for example... i've done nothing this week. 'cept shopping and watching films. and i finished a book and started a scary one on aliens. which caused nightmares so i quit reading. and started another one. which i've started several times and never finished because the characters seem all violent and mean and i can't identify with them. and its just no good that way. so if anyone has some book suggestions i'm open. i've got 2 to read back at my apartment. so they'll keep me busy for a while. lol. i'm slow.

i am psyched about new years, starting a new year, my gym membership starting when i get back to boston... i think i need new sneakers tho (my old ones are from high school) with all the shoes i have you'd think i'd have newer sneakers. they just don't look like they are worn out yet. but i'm no gym shoe expert. but not too psyched about courses not starting till the 15th so i have 2 weeks of work with no students around to keep me busy. but i guess i'll get through it. always find something to do. or else i'll have to convince myself to learn some new things.

can't believe my sister is going to be 20 in a few days. and i'm heading towards 25 next year. i'll definitely put "quarter-life crisis" on my to do list. although i think i may have had it already. hah.

<3

today's video

"last christmas" by wham (aka george michael)

how can you have christmas without it??

on another note (web browsers)

so i created this layout on my mac... and those mac scrollbars aren't changeable with style tags like on windows so it may not be so aesthetically pleasing on there... but looks chic on the windows platform. sigh. i will have to convert to something mac-visible. but i'll save that for later...

christmas day.

so last time i tried to publish it wouldn't go through... so it just got published now (free servers have their issues haha)

so christmas day is over. i pretty much knew what i was going to get. i got the panini maker i wanted. so now i can make hot and toasty sandwiches whenever i want lol. too bad i don't have 2 (one for at work) but that's just greedy. anyway so i tested that out on the bacon for breakfast. works pretty good ;p

i think everyone liked what i got them. but ya never know. and my sis got me the husy paw pants that i always wanted at uconn but never got. i think they are a different brand now so not like $85 anymore. that was crazyness.

other than that christmas is never picture perfect like its supposed to be. ppl get grumpy and have fights about whether flaps on hats stay sewed up or go down over ur eyes. pssh. but that's my family. maybe yours is different, but then again - maybe not.

i don't know what i'll be doing the next of week. but some of it will consist of taking a few things back. and uh.. enjoying not having to get up too early. not that i've been able to sleep in since i'm on a sort of sleep schedule now. (not waking up as early as i should for work but waking up before 9am on my own without the alarm)

so let's see... we watched 'the simpsons movie' last night. it was just like a really long episode. aka. nothing special. for some reason i got the impression that they were going to be superheroes in the movie... i don't know where that came from b/c that wasn't what it was about. same themes as always (saving the evironment, geeky lisa finding boyfriends, homer being a bad parent/husband, and marge being ever so faithful to homer... and bart well envying flanders kids was odd).

my mom bought my sis a bunch of music themed/dancing musical type movies. so we watched 'saturday night fever' which was... odd... and we don't know if it was the uncut version b/c there was more nudity that we expected. and ew travolta put on some pants. anyway at least he was wearing pants aka a dress in 'hairspray' b/c we watched that too. it was kind of funny he was playing the mom... but why he's a man? we wondered if he was dancing in the fat suit. or if they had like a woman double or something. i think i saw an old version of that movie.. i don't think it was a musical... and i think it was better. this reminded me of a disney movie with real people instead of cartoons. but put enough costumes on and you'll be a cartoon. as far as 'saturday night fever' i didn't think travolta was that great of a dancer... well he was better than that girl he chose as a dance partner. her outfits reminded me of a semi-recent madonna video. gah. horrible. and sadly madonna is in better shape. oh and i wonder if/why they never did a sequel? i mean... did he find a job in manhattan? could they stay just friends? the world will never know.

ok i'm going to go play with the "salad shooter" i got for xmas and help make dinner.

<3

and i'm home for christmas

so i'm back at home for a week for our intersession break from work. and i dunno what i'll do prolly just hang with bear (who has a new dog bed - even tho he's a cat ;p) and sneeze a lot b/c of that.

today's youtube song is here. (embed was disabled!) landon pigg - "can't let go"

we're already listened to the hanson cd and we're on to julia's first mix cd. we've got a couple more to go than we may be sick of christmas music. i got home around 10pm last night so tired but stayed up till 1:30am. we started watching v for vendetta before 1am... before that we were googling youtube things. i wish my internet in boston was faster! comcast sucks!! or my wireless reception.. but likely both. plus we pay $45 a month for it... yahoo is like half of that. and so much better. gosh.

a little bit of snow flakes were coming down. mom and dad are out christmas shopping. AND i'm pissed she returned something i picked out for myself b/c according to her she "thought it was for julia and she woulndn't want it" when if she had asked dad he woulda known i picked it out for me and made him get it. grrr. she's annoying like that. past few years they have been going out last minute like this and buying crap we don't want when we'd rather they just not waste the money and be stressed out about it and annoying b/c they are stressed out about shopping. well at least mom, she hates shopping. dad just doesn't do much of it. well at least that's how i feel about it i dunno about julia she likes stuff. no matter what it is. if its wrapped up she probably wants it.

oh oh laptop you are so not cooling yourself well. i wonder if i buy a new heat sink/fan thingydoodle it will fix it. i'm scared of openin it up and messing with it. and my damn windows toolbar won't minimize to the smallest size. its stuck all big and in the wayz. garz. oh, computers.

hmmm on to AIM. haha. that is my life.

<3

snow snow snow

its coming down and covering the ugly slush. unfortunately i'm at work all day till its dark out so i cant take any photos :(

one of these days i'll become a morning person. still hasn't happened yet. unless 2am is morning.

<3

so welcome back

i posted a quick little layout. this image is from kent falls in new milford last summer (when i went with plunk). anyway me and trees are cool. so i replaced the last trees with these. and wrote a little poem on the front about how i feel about things right now.

this wasn't what i was planning but its winter and i don't have a handle on my new camera yet. i just wanted something different other than that huge green mess i made. so maybe i feel like writing here. and all that flickr business i'm not sure of right now. or posting links to other things other than blog... i want to pick out my favorite photos i've taken and showcase those instead of just every photo i've ever taken. but as we know (if you know me) i'm horrible at choosing favorites. so this may be another project in my personal development. so i suppose right now this is a blog so me and my stalkers can talk.

and yes i'm trying to make this more private so bios will be more vague and everyone will have code names. jk. but most ppl already have code names.

and i love kevin devine (listening to him now). and jonah matranga grew up where i'm living now. so maybe there's good energy here.

as long as we can laugh we'll all be ok.

<3 amorette

omg.

i finally found the stupidest item ever invented...

George Foreman iPod Grill

George Foreman iPod Grill. Ideal for indoor or outdoor use, this George Foreman electric barbeque provides a large 200-square-inch cooking surface for grilling veggies, burgers, and more. The unit's George Tough nonstick coating ensures effortless food release and simple cleanup, while its center channel drains fat away from food and into a large grease tray. The unique appliance not only grills, but it can also provide music to help set the mood--whether romantic or fun and festive during a party. For music capabilities, the unit comes equipped with a 10-watt speaker and the ability to be used with an iPod or MP3 player. Other highlights include an adjustable temperature-control probe, a sleek attractive design, and a high-domed lid.

because you always want your ipod to be in such close proximity to all the grease we all know the george foreman is designed to create. haha.

eh?

did i ever tell you i <3 canadians? here's a song. to stall me thinking of something to say. oh, and i'm still waiting for the moffatts to come back (googling that at the moment) haha. or at least some of them *pouts* please? i still have those scbd.nu blog posts from way back when saved on blogger. (if anyone remembers that)


ben sigston - "smile"

before

before there was you i had my blog. i had my fansites. i had another you. and now in absence here i return. back to where it began. back to talking to myself so i don't bother everyone with my lamenting. (and my opinions you may not agree with. but really i think you would. if we understood each other.)

although really it is just to lessen the load. i will still whine to ya'll.

so its winter and the fingers are numb because the kitchen is cold and the kitchen sink water is cold. my warm is toasty yet drafty. but the draft is all my fault because i still have the air conditioner in the window and have not come up with a way to rig up something to block it yet.

and i am painfully tired. constantly. but mostly because i can't sleep. and it doesnt help that my knee and my lower back are giving me shit. so i can't walk right. and that my bed has self destructed. its no longer as firm as i need it. or i feel i need it. either way something is up. i'm going to blame the tempo seat and the little bike. (or that inability to sleep).