i feel like i'm back again. like its time. i'm a little under the weather. working on beating off cold #4 with a stick. (or bottles of juice vitamins and lozenges)
anyway my heart feels nearly full again. a little mended with scotch tape. but luckily not with scotch.
i do feel a little wobbly. like each fall makes me trust a little less.
speaking of falling, i've carried my bike into the apartment for the winter. the bruise from a couple weeks ago is finally yellow and fading. i feel less ugly. but only one person got to see it anyway. they must be special.
i'm hoping i'll find more luck in 2011. and work on myself and my hobbies. and making friends of the same gender (read: friends who won't break up with me).
i still don't feel this blog will get public, or publicized. but it will be here for those who know of it and for when i feel like sharing.
my 'hobbies' to work on for 2011 are...
-volleyball & bowling skills
-making my wall hanging
-filling that canvas i bought months ago with color
-little watercolor paintings (animals? plants?)
-GRE & grad school application
-sailing and swimming classes
-hiking/getting out of the city groups/buddies
-planning trips (hawaii 2011, and smaller ones)
so if i have a new years resolution... its to find who i am. and this is what it seems to be each year. because i'm still not sure.
at the beginning of 2010 i thought i was the luckiest girl, i was very happy. and when you are happy you don't need to make plans, you don't need to think of how you fill the hours and how you will make your mark and get to your destination. then fall came. and my heart is always broken in fall. i was shocked and thrown for a loop. it physically hurt. i had a sore throat for 3 weeks. and then the colds one after the other followed. usually its one week in winter i get a cold, i'm used to it. i don't know what i did this year. i wore myself out. but even if its a small base, a tiny seed i'm finding, i'm feeling better and looking forward. but this time i think i should plan for myself. plan what i will do, regardless of who comes and goes in my life. because although i put people first in my requirements for happiness it seems that is not common and maybe some 'sensible' people have figured it out and all that sentimentality really is meant only for films and songs.
all these lyrics singing of people breaking up and getting back together... but that doesn't happen in real life. not as far as i've known. people break apart for a reason and cannot come back together. even if they aren't privy to the reason.