Friday, July 11, 2008

and now i ramble...

Eagle Beach, Oranjestad Aruba

such a pretty picture... it is now my desktop at work. can't believe i'm going there with the entourage in 1 week!! its been 2yrs (i think!?) since our last vacation (bermuda). although there will be less of us present we will try to have just as much fun :) life should never get in the way of vacations with your best friends!! hehe. ok /end rant.

life has been full nowadays... its great. i still do find times of boredom. but life can never be without its empty spaces. i do still wish i was made of money. was more confrontational. was more awake. and could take off fridays from work. that'd make so many 4 day weekends instead of just 3. although 3 is OK. its not a great utilization of vacation days. hehe. but this only comes about because the bf is encouraging travel and overbudget expenditures... must save money... but i never do save as much as i could. $7 for lunch out because i'm too lazy to make it in the AM (don't want to wake up... still not a morning person no matter how hard i try). and then there are sales and things i want (because i always want something) and i spend there (while i convince myself i'm "saving"). and then people come to visit and i spend because i have a job and they don't or because its rare they are here and i want to go do things... and everyone knows doing stuff = not saving $$. and then i want to go visit friends for reunions/parties (college friends when we have something planned and sorority sisters once a month if i don't already have that weekend booked in boston/aruba/hawaii/etc.)... which costs that famous $4+/gallon + tolls + fees for whatever we're doing... so i throw down what maybe $100-200 on those 2 weekends. probably about $200-300 on things i don't need. then with rent and parking at $550. internet and phone at $65. at the high end that's about $1100 a month not including food... which leaves me about $1000 to pay down charge cards & loan (i finally payed off my loan!! so i was happy... till they sent me a letter telling me the interest rate dropped more than 2% which makes paying it off fast less critical and i still have 5k of it on a no interest intro-CC to pay off). so i'm living on the brink like our "young professional" once over-achiever now over-slacker and over-spender "generation" (or w/e we are).

at least i haven't purchased gas in about 3 months probably. (go carbon footprint... bullcrap) i should have stocked up then. altho keeping gas stocked up anywhere is not a safe practice.

so i had wanted to say but i forgot. the entourage (aforementioned group of college friends) had planned on a hawaii 2008 excursion but as the prices for that were enormous we settled for less enormous fees for a 2 bedroom suite in Aruba... thanks to Cate and her Disney vacation connections this will cost us about $250 each a week i think... which even saves us over even the cheap hotel (priceline bid, "3 star resort") ry and i are staying at in Kauai, HI for one night. but this is fine with me because now i'm going to Kauai in August... so I should start working on my tan for Aruba.

lol. me, a tan. thats funny. although i think my arms are having some sort of sun shock from the few hours i've put them through over the past week because they are freckled and doing an odd flakey business. nothing a little after-sun lotion didn't fix. i love that banana boat stuff. priceless. if only it came in a travel-size. i will have to move it into one. pumps do not pack well in suitcases. unless you want a goo flood... altho somehow i did manage to bring it to bermuda. but it didnt have to go through luggage for too long (no flight).

so my parents brought up the huffy (read: bike) july 4th weekend and suped it up with a new wide-butt seat with no slash in it (original one was slashed from the box-cutter in kmart... hence bike-on-sale!) and i finally took it out for a test ride last night with ry. first time i rode it since high school i imagine. its held up pretty well. the only rust i saw was on one of the pedal "arms" (or whatever you may wish to call them) and its still got paint. woo! paint! so i was thinking about ordering up some fenders with the remainder of my amazon gift card... and the geese reminded me of this. needless to say i ran over some of their gifts they leave on bike trails (and grass and anywhere they go) and it splashed up on the back of my leg and my next pedal made a cold squish feeling on the back of my knee... eww! so i will have to remember to get fenders for it i s'pose. now i just have to figure out what kind. and i guess i'll have to clean goose shit out the fenders every once in a while. the duckies were being cute in a massive line down the little inlet of a river next to the charles. there were some independent minds straying from the pack but there's always the black sheep, or duck as it may be, in any group of conformists. which reminds me of the McDonalds ad i hate in which they tell us that we should be nonconformists by eating chicken on a biscuit for breakfast at McDonalds... since when has McDonalds flow free of the pack? its probably more american than apple pie and mickey mouse. or at least just as much so. although they certainly are attempting to market themselves and "global" and "hip." they really should just remind us that their salty greasy food isn't all that cheap but it is addicting, like doritos. and addiction gets us every time. mmm grease that we associate with tasting like meat.

and i leave you now, with that wonderful thought. that maybe someone will find and read one day.

~ amorette

Thursday, February 21, 2008

joy withdrawal

i think after a certain amount of exuberant joy there is the same coming down as with any other high. in the moments after there is insecurity. uneasiness. a feeling of drifting maybe. a lull. a slice of non-life. or so it seems. after you have been so happy. now in moments of just simple nothing. are you bored? do you reflect and question too much how legit the source was? do you question if you deserve it?


this word is startling to me. when used. when i try to decipher it in any meaning, in any sense really... it does not seem right. does anyone deserve anything? if not, someone cannot be unable to deserve something. too many negatives. the only times we get to use this i think is when we are talking of base things "deserving respect, life, liberty, happyness" etc. deserving of happyness. that puts a warped twist on deserving things in our egocentric minds. me me me. i deserve everything. everything will make me happy.

i go on tangents.

i wish my roommates tv had a lower volume. but i can't complain after last night. even though she doesn't work on thursdays.

snow storm tomorrow. snow reminds me of childhood. of those snowboots that went up to your knees, almost. the feet and feet of white clean powder that would collect between our homes and the bay. the city would sparkle. briefly. this is one of the few things i remember. things associated with my home when i grew up. of playing. of stray cats and pet squirrels. of our make believe foods (which were rather poisonous soups). good things. joy even. have always mingled with snow.

humans and their fascinations. if it sparkles. if it only lasts a moment. if its something we can't hold and keep to our hearts. we want it even more.

in the short term i have very strong visual memory. i think in the long term i have taught myself to forget most of it. things come back in pangs. good things, bad things. all the same its a pang of vision of scent of a sense of space and touch. of being back there. wide awake dreams. my mind fixates on some.

recent. a smile in a doorway. stuck in my head like a photo.
many others. fast motion brief slideshows. (i wish not to share.)
a conversation clip i can't remember word for word but i feel the sentiment. that desire to get what we deserve, eh. to make those brief moments of luster compound and collect and fix into place. memories into present. even if we run from permanence. i think we seek it. we seek its comfort. its calming space. (what was it? relaxing? no...)

sometimes i search for words for names for something in my head and i feel like the connection will never take. what is it, what is it? it screams. things flash up that are not right. and they get stuck on the tongue. and i can't seem to find it. till i give up and it floats up on its own. as if i'm remembering it for the first time.

everyone wants to feel good. we make moments. we make nests. we remember and try to repeat and bring forth that content feeling. sometimes we sleep too much. waiting.

i think its easier if we stop questioning so much. but we can never leave well enough alone. (as the saying goes.)

i for one, sleep too little. think too much (after the fact, mostly). and of course, desire everything. and the one thing i wish we had the ability to do was record our visual memories. or at least store them better. snapshots, videos, in the mind of things you saw and experienced... they are always better than the ones your camera catches. if only i had a genie and a wish.

~ amorette

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

i noticed today

i noticed today that i had picked up some breakfast bars made by this coffee shop i went to once in pittsburg. reminded me of that time. hit a little somewhere inside.

i've been melancholy all day.

but the weather was great. and i bought new gym shoes. and a new comforter. and threw out two pairs of shoes (i can't remember the last time i did that). and the old comforter is sitting atop my closet shelf 6' up. pending garbage or what i do not know. always seems a shame to dispose of things which are still useful. but i would have to clean it to give it away. and in a few minutes i will collect my 3 loads of laundry. sadly i have at least 3 more to do. laundry never ends. just like the repetitiveness of hunger and fatigue and day to day to day.

wish i had more to say to keep conversations going forever. so there wouldn't be that lull at the end of a good sequence of hours. the face falls slack. the sad thoughts and fears are allowed to come back. then its time to go back to your box that contains all your possessions. that is your life. this is what i am. see it. its clean. its tidy. its warmly colored. but its empty. its still empty.

its a problem of options

so how do you know who is the one? since we are only allowed one. at least one at a time. now that the internet may simplify the problem of a lack of options (for those blessed with the skill of the self portrait) it is now a problem of options available in rapid succession.

and its a two way road. we both have this. or we may initially assume we are equally as desirable.

its jump quick catch cling hold on and ride it out.

or what is it?

bait wait mull toil dig urself a little ditch and stick with the one who falls in.

sometimes thinking builds knots and coils in my stomach.

wanting makes me feel i haven't enough oxygen. no matter how slow and deep i breathe.

if i shake it up enough maybe something will rise to the surface and the rest fall out of view at the bottom.

patience is often not an option. not when oxygen is thin.

Monday, January 21, 2008

so its cold in boston (finally)

it has been a very cold weekend. and tomorrow it will be 19F. yay. not really. i have to go outside tomorrow. haha. but at least its a tuesday and not a monday. that means closer to friday. not that i want the time to fly so fast that i'm old before i know it (which is what it feels like to me beckoning on the weekend every weekday). i want to do fun things on tuesdays too!

so lets see. on friday all i did was go to the gym. which was a feat in itself. then the next day i slept in. which is great. thats what weekends are for! and i enjoyed not driving all over the place for once. i went to see "no country for old men" with my somerville pal erick. the movie i did enjoy despite the fact that it involved a madman hunting people. it had a lot of character. and by that i mean the actors actually played distinct characters and it was actually a good show. i mean not boring. it was fluent and made ya think about what the hell was going on... and a little squeamish. then we were starved so we walked through the desolate looking streets surrounding kendall sq. and happened upon a restaurant called b sides that didn't look open but oh it was. and i did have a super tasty hot pastrami sandwich and a gin based drink called "monkey glands" which i think was probably much tastier than actual glands of any animal. but i'm pretty sure it gave me that acid stomach feeling in the middle of the night (somewhere between 3am and 1pm). and i knew i shouldn't of had orange juice two times in one day. not to mention with gin (the second time). haha. but tums always saves me.

u know boston is small so u'd think surrounding towns would be easy to get to. and well they are. but you have to make sure to catch a T back before they close up shop (or be prepared to shell out a bunch for a cab). so it kind of limits hanging out time with those who live across the charles. haha. unless little bike made it out for a spin. or u hung out till around 5am. but damn its bitter out. i'd need a ski mask. and snowsuit. and uh then i'd look crazy. but that's to be expected. wish i had room for a big bike. i could keep one in the basement. i saw some others locked up there. i may look into that since i have one sitting at home doing nothing. but i <3 little bike.

so i signed up for this site 'okcupid' on kudos from my friend sir mike. seems like there may some interesting folk on there to chat with and perhaps extract some friendships. i mean at least some busy nights on the calendar would make it worth its while. u never know where u'll find ur inspiration. or something. maybe i'll transform myself into a socialite yet. or at least go back to being an avid online socialite. then maybe i'll be one of those rad kids with those mobile devices IM'n (and bloggin) via that so i can not be confined to the room with my mini mac. mayhaps some conversations with some new folks will bring on some inspiration or some opportunities to explore this lil' city by the bay. i do enjoy a good talk.

anyway. i promised myself i'd go to sleep before midnight. so off i go.


<3 amorette

today's odd product is...

Get tap-happy! Adjustable penguin feet let you tap out a tune just like Mumble. Music and motion-sensitive sound effects are in sync with your steps as you rat-a-tat-tat. Requires four "AA" batteries, included. One size fits ages 4 to 8.

so this i had to blog about. because not only is it hilarious that you can now tap "like Mumble" but that anyone knows thats what the silly penguin in that movie were called and that they for some reason unbeknownst to me require AA batteries. odd odd toy.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

this concept of "fun"

so i've been the laziest person this weekend. doing nothing so far. although i fear i may break that trend to go purchase some groceries... seeing as the 1/4 of the fridge i usually take up is empty. except for some leftover pancakes. those veggie burgers in the freezer are starting to look like food.

so i think most of us sit around lamenting not doing anything fun. we spend most of our time trying to come up with something to do. at this i am at a loss currently. basically because it requires going to bed on time and getting up early to do anything actually productive or even entertaining. and this i am not a master of. i think i shall make a point of 'early to bed early to rise' this week. i've tried to do this before. but i think things have calmed down a bit. i really have no reason to stay up late. except for the occasional social occasion. which usually involves CT. i need to make some roots here. and by roots i mean i need to find people who knows what this concept of fun is. or maybe have no life and are just creative. because if someone does 'have a life' they are always way too busy for their free space to coincide with my abundance of free space. which i mean figuratively because i occupy a very tiny space.

so my current qualms are: empty fridge, this gym membership i have now but have not used yet, my lack of gym appropriate shoes, TV/entertainment system still not cohesive (ie i have a dvd recorder i can not figure out how to hook up), a dead roomba i have to get rid of or try to "repair" but its not fiscally worth it, the never ending search for some kind of furniture that fits in a 20" wide space which will accommodate my heavier pants which are sure to break the bar in my closet, the pot rack i still have not put up in the kitchen, the jewelry cabinet i have not put together but am waiting on pending this "furniture" issue, oh and of course the persistent need of a good hair cut, something to do, the possibility of grad school, and the payments on my loan i have to figure out...

so my head is so full that nothing gets done very efficiently. i think i spent most of yesterday watching PBS, sweating myself into a coma, cooking, cleaning & laundry. of course i still have 2 loads of laundry and a huge mass of things i need to hand wash. i should just throw them out and save myself the trouble.

so life is very domestic at the moment. and i fear it will stay that way at least until i get all my qualms settled. then onto defining fun.

<3 amorette

Saturday, January 05, 2008

ellie hamper

elephant hamper
omg. i had to blog this... cuz its hilarious. and besides penguins, elephants are my favorite animals. i'm rambling around amazon looking for something to spend my $25 gift card on. but i will have another $50 one at some point when i get my credit card company to mail it to me. anyway. i like creative people who come up with these things lol.