Monday, September 15, 2014

fairweather friends

you'll find out your true friends eventually. there are some friends and lovers (and even family) who will only be there for you in the good times when you are fit and happy and gainfully employed. then there are those that if you are having a down time, or are ill, or are between jobs or unsatisfied at work, they will judge and distance themselves and prove they are no friends at all. i've had a lot of boyfriends that proved they were the fairweather friend variety. you have to be able to take the good times with the bad.

i watched a documentary on a cancer researcher who got cancer over the weekend. of course that's going to be the worst time in someones life. and her family kicked her out of the home and didn't speak to her for the final years of her life. that's just awful. how can people be so badly behaved? i think i do not have family like that and i do not have a terminal illness so of course i can be grateful for my situation. i think everyone has the fears of growing older and being alone. if they do not have children (or have ungrateful, ill or children who die young).

whenever you meet someone and welcome them into your life... don't you kind of wonder if they would be there for you, no matter what?

Thursday, September 11, 2014

There's nothing wrong

I've come to think there wasn't anything wrong with us. We're not defective people. We didn't know how to expose our feelings and emotional needs and solve problems without closing off or hurting each other. We didn't know what we were doing. I don't know what I will do different next time. I try to be open about things but sometimes I feel it gets brushed off and I just get blamed for being upset. Then I stop talking. I get angry and eventually I act out. I started off doing the right thing... But sometimes I just don't get heard. That's not something you can live with and stay happy.


Wednesday, September 03, 2014

summer is over

or so they say. the weather is still glorious. i am back to riding the bike. the brakes were a pain to change because my front wheel isn't true anymore. i guess i crashed it too many times. i have to get one of those tools to tighten the spokes. oh and also because one of the bolts was stuck on. its moments like that you are trying to hold the hex key, the wrench and hit it with a hammer that you kind of wish you had man strength.

uconn alumni event tonight to get to then a few days ahead unplanned. i've got to look up some cool new spots the kids are going to now for friday night. ok the adults. i don't want to wind up hanging out with the kids.

not much going on in the dating world. last night i had a date with my cat and "orphan black." i love the library. it keeps me from waiting for netflix to buffer my shows. so much easier to hit next and it just comes on. (well easier than calling & paying the cable-internet-company)

so does "looking for friends" on dating websites mean "looking for friends with benefits?" i always thought it meant, that if you have fun hanging out but the romantic chemistry isn't there then we could be friends. maybe that's a "girl" way to look at things. i'm sorry, i'll stay a girl. thank you.


Monday, September 01, 2014

I really did

... love him. With all I had. Unfortunately he hurt me by not taking my needs seriously. He hurt me so I became unhappy/bitchy/negative/not fun... whatever you want to call it. It got to a place where if I said I was upset about something he no longer heard me, took it seriously or tried to change like he used to. He ignored it, he told me I was wrong, he ignored us... He went ahead and did whatever he wanted even if I asked him not to. He forgot the times I told him why I was upset and distilled everything to a belief that I was just upset without reason. I stopped trying to explain my feelings when they elicited no response and just hoped he would finally realize the truth of what I had said in the past (like how he takes my advice constantly while not remembering I gave him the advice). Things fell apart. I don't think I will ever understand how or why he stopped caring about my happyness.

I deserve someone who will never stop caring. Who won't sabotage us and then tell me there is something wrong with my personality. I am this way now because he hurt me, because he didn't value me. I wasn't like this when we met. I won't be like this when I forget.