end of 2010

i feel like i'm back again. like its time. i'm a little under the weather. working on beating off cold #4 with a stick. (or bottles of juice vitamins and lozenges)

anyway my heart feels nearly full again. a little mended with scotch tape. but luckily not with scotch.

i do feel a little wobbly. like each fall makes me trust a little less.

speaking of falling, i've carried my bike into the apartment for the winter. the bruise from a couple weeks ago is finally yellow and fading. i feel less ugly. but only one person got to see it anyway. they must be special.

i'm hoping i'll find more luck in 2011. and work on myself and my hobbies. and making friends of the same gender (read: friends who won't break up with me).

i still don't feel this blog will get public, or publicized. but it will be here for those who know of it and for when i feel like sharing.

my 'hobbies' to work on for 2011 are...
-'event planning'
-volleyball & bowling skills
-making my wall hanging
-filling that canvas i bought months ago with color
-little watercolor paintings (animals? plants?)
-GRE & grad school application
-sailing and swimming classes
-hiking/getting out of the city groups/buddies
-planning trips (hawaii 2011, and smaller ones)

so if i have a new years resolution... its to find who i am. and this is what it seems to be each year. because i'm still not sure.

at the beginning of 2010 i thought i was the luckiest girl, i was very happy. and when you are happy you don't need to make plans, you don't need to think of how you fill the hours and how you will make your mark and get to your destination. then fall came. and my heart is always broken in fall. i was shocked and thrown for a loop. it physically hurt. i had a sore throat for 3 weeks. and then the colds one after the other followed. usually its one week in winter i get a cold, i'm used to it. i don't know what i did this year. i wore myself out. but even if its a small base, a tiny seed i'm finding, i'm feeling better and looking forward. but this time i think i should plan for myself. plan what i will do, regardless of who comes and goes in my life. because although i put people first in my requirements for happiness it seems that is not common and maybe some 'sensible' people have figured it out and all that sentimentality really is meant only for films and songs.

all these lyrics singing of people breaking up and getting back together... but that doesn't happen in real life. not as far as i've known. people break apart for a reason and cannot come back together. even if they aren't privy to the reason.

<3 amorette

tears

the only thing worse than a broken heart
is a terminal illness

he chose to look for more options
now i have to be alone

how does one know if you are 'meant to be'
he says he knows we aren't

i didn't want my life to be a country album
but it seems the men i choose
are not meant to stay

but oh they love me
so they say

and then they walk away

...

i've never seen a man shed so many tears
for something he's giving up

and no words can make me understand his choice
and no anger will come to quench the sorrows thirst

just an ache inside every hollow
a hurt greater than i can articulate

every step i take alone
that i could have shared in love

filled with loss

and every silence you used to fill
and empty pillows missing you

your face in my last memory
is long with agony
your small almond eyes large and moist
as you look down on the pain you caused

and to writhe and moan
seems the only thing i'm fit to do

curled up and missing you

my greatest love
the happiest chapter
turned to the greatest pain

~ amorette

waiting

i'm waiting for summer to be here. still wearing sweaters. wind was nearly blowing us over yesterday. its the day after the last day of classes here. its quiet. no one bothered to turn on the lights in the hallway. i'm holed in my office.

i can't remember my username for one of my hosting accounts. this is normal. i don't keep anything recorded anywhere anymore. i used to have a notebook of usernames and passwords. now relying on memory isn't working so well.

and now blogger is making me choose what to do with this whole *no ftp* deal. i suppose if i host it on blogspot that means not filling up the little space i get for free elsewhere. but it means a less streamline site. and simple is what i aim for.

especially when i never write.

i'd go back to paper. and posting photos of it. then we'd screw all this fancyness.

but jpegs take more space.

everything takes more space. u stub your toe more in less space. and i can fill every crevice with something. there's always something you have to have.

like a cookie jar that makes the jaws noise when you open it. how could you not buy that?

~amorette

what is the value of sentimental

i find myself coveting a purse i saw at UO today. the first thing i thought when i saw it was oh its on sale for $30 then i realized it said $39 and noted the original price of $88. they've been doing a good job of putting the sale price over the original price so you don't know how much its really on sale. but that may be unique to one employee at one location. so what runs through my mind is: what can i get on ebay for $40? name brand? does UO even sell brands that won't fall apart in 30 days? it says leather, but is it nice suede or rat suede? then i thought i didn't want to carry it with me. or since i was probably going to my bfs i didn't want him to see i bought another thing i don't need. but its gray suede with gray leather kind of latticed on top. the gold colored rivets i can do without b/c they will scratch and fall off. and the base is square so i'm not sure i'm fond of that. and the hardware is a fake sort of antiqued brass look. and the strap is almost too long for shoulder and too short for cross-body. all this goes through my head. but i'm always looking for gray leather (it seems hard to find as i only have 1 clutch i got at wilsons leather years ago that's beat up but i love it because its light gray, its soft, yet shiny - in the unworn spots.) but then i know i have a gray suede and red patent bag and a huge gray patent bag. the first of which i've never worn because i'm afraid to wear it without protectant spray and because i'm afraid the spray will ruin the patina on the patent. the second of which is more like carry-on size so its a bit huge for everyday and because its patent its a little delicate to shove in a lock box or over head bin.

anyway i digress.

my last thought was if i left without it i can't really want it. and made myself not go back this morning.

so today i was thinking of indexing all of my items. kind of like what you'd do to get an insurance appraisal. to remind myself of all the things i'm hoarding that i should be using more often or getting rid of. handbags, shoes, coats, pants that i think will fit again one day, etc. but i have been trying to get rid of things they just aren't selling at the prices i'd like to have for them. or for some things any price at all. and with all the percents taken out for paypal, listing fees and selling fees (depending on the site) and overpriced shipping i make back a lot less than i intended. craigslist isn't working as well as it used to with all the spam on there, counterfeit items, and people emailing several times but never showing up to buy anything. but really i want to keep everything. lol. if i could have a wall display of shoes and bags i'd be fine just looking at them. i can't see them in boxes so i don't use them. and eventually forget they are even there. until i can't find a spot to put something. they used to sell that little camera that took polaroids and put them on stickers. i need one of those to label my boxes of stuff so i know whats in there.

not to mention the endless toiletries and make up i've bought because it was on sale or from a hotel room (or i thought i might actually start wearing make up) but haven't managed to use.

~ amorette

idle days

when you're thinking ahead to stressful days to be. but nothing to do now. a lot of time is wasted. i think a month went by before i noticed the lack of energy. the lack of anything getting done. i don't know if its winter that's got me in a freeze. or the short days and long nights that have brought on the familiar melancholy and dragging of the limbs to get anything accomplished.

i've spent the last two days trying to get a christmas present set up so i can use it. a blu-ray player. they ship it without an hdmi cable. and i couldn't find the one i thought i had. so i'm waiting for amazon to send me one. so its plugged in but disconnected. and i hear it ticking. electronic heartbeat. it also wants to be connected to the internet. with a real wire. a physical attachment. oldschool. i'm thinking of getting a 50 foot cable and running it in. so much easier than the fight i've been having with the routers to get them to talk to each other. the belkin beat up the netgear.

my roommate comes home and turns out the hall light and puts her shoes in the bin. thats the only way i know she's home. when i look into the dark hallway. but maybe she didn't put it out today because it won't come back on. the bulb only lasted 2 months and we hardly used it. there must be something wrong.

i can't figure out my neighbors. undergrads surely. underage definitely. partiers of course. but why does one of them keep coming back to the apartment without keys and smashing open the door. maintenance has been here the past few days fixing it. its got patches all over it. metal. wood. nails. its kind of crazy. i'm amazed that the cleaning woman mopped the stairs and front hall today. and took out the trash bags someone left in the foyer. in my old apartment they vacuumed the carpet and steps every morning. that was a bit of overkill. but they never clean this place. the carpet on the first two floors has tumbleweeds of dust and dog fur. thats what happens when you try to save some rent. i'm sure a lot of places don't have cleaning services, but a lot of places don't have a maintenance company. you'd think in a place with one, something would get maintained.

at least the heat is back on. clanking away. i'm sure to wake up in a few hours in a sauna. but at least i can turn it off. the old apartment had no option. it was sweat or sleep outside.

good night internet.

~ amorette