Thursday, December 18, 2014

When we are older

We are more confident because we know ourselves better. We know what we don't want. We know what will hurt and what will strengthen. We know what will make us happy or frustrate us.

Sure we know all that... but our hearts are still young fools. We still love whether or not it's good for us. We just know how to tell ourselves when it's enough, when it's time to say "no" and move on. We don't want to drag it out anymore.

I think it's easy to fall in love when you feel a connection to someone. It feels good even if they don't reciprocate because it gives you hope that you will find someone else like them who will love you back. There's a little struggle to let them go... but you're used to that by now. This isn't your first dance.


Thursday, December 04, 2014

I'm looking for...

I'm not looking for a party boy, a sex toy, a provider, a father, a crutch, an ego boost, or arm candy. I'm not looking for the "I'll see you only on date night I've gotta hang with my bros and do my own thing 90% of the time." I'm looking for a best friend. I'm not a great explorer, a champion athlete, a genius, a crazy crafter, or eccentric in any way. I'm pretty damn normal. I'm looking for a best friend who enjoys having conversations with me, spending time with me, making plans with me... a man who wants to wake up next to me every day. I want someone who wants to start here with nothing with me, a stranger, and build a foundation--not stake a tent.  I don't want to feel like I'm putting on an act, striving to be perfect, and competing with other women. I want to be with someone who's love I can put my trust in. I'm looking for someone who is looking for the same thing and doesn't need to create all this "your life and my life" drama. I want to be a "we" and I don't want to be the only one to make compromises. I want a companion to share my adventures and my failures. I'm done with the "when times are good" guys. I'm done with pretending I'm anything other than what I am.

Sometimes I can see how it might be ok to bounce between short term relationships throughout a lifetime... because each person brings something new to your life... but it's not what I want. I want to have that history and the memory of having known each other when we were young, having so much shared experience--and being able to help, support and encourage other to have the best life possible. Running around from lover to lover is stressful to me and in the long run it doesn't make me happy... the short term is another story.