confessions, randomly strewn

every night
i am horribly drawn to call him
missing the closeness
that perhaps was entirely fantasy
imagination is a skill of mine
now i feel i've dropped from his life
too distant, full too of denial

and strange things
he has never stirred in me
bubbling to the surface
fear. apprehension.
realization: i wanted to please
feelings of failure
remission & weakness
gnawing need
empty empty depths

feeling of being left behind
scraping not falling together
scattered me

hiding meaning in puzzled words
finding myself alone
entrapped with vivid imagination
wanting to hear that voice
the voice that could make my blood rush
my heart dizzy
those words i heard
every night
months ago now

months ago, but it doesn't seem so
buried in the past
time travel doesn't seem so impossible

 · · · ·

i lie to myself about anticipation
while the sun hangs in the sky
as night finds me burying myself
in other peoples fantastic stories
i dig out my own
and scare myself from sleep

falsified
anticipation of a future
a new year, new life
hope? i can not find hope
trapped in the past
must manifest -
try not to play pretend
must create a happiness
build a dream from earthly roots
until it is real

until i have a spirit to speak to
late into the morning
to set the fascinations to rest
let hope give way to dreams
and rest give way to sleep

 · · · ·

let go of desires
pushed into dormancy with distance
he will not be there to answer

let go
create
flourish

i speak a chant to myself
like a prayer
with no God to hear
ushering me on
do good do good
change grow flourish
forgiven not forgotten
friend not lover
adjust adapt recoup

 · · · ·

just another year
(he said it was so long)
truth speaks it was brief
passing moment in the wake of a life
with minds eager to form new memories

 · · · ·

thoughts colliding too much,
everything becomes incoherent
not simple
no direct contrast, no left and right
black nor white
this is life
we live in our deconstructions

hard to imagine
you desire freedom
i desire shackles
you feel relief
i curse freedom

solitary
a weak point
drifting in a stream of chaos

collisions
scribe destiny
with the ebbing of the waves
swaying of all that is untethered
in a wind you can not tame

 · · · ·

we didn't want to be our parents
held them up as idols
to reminds us what we should not become
moments flash in memory
i was my mothers temper
i failed
moments
you were your fathers demons
you failed
we could not succeed

 · · · ·

pain ripples across the center of my forehead
i am still young i am still young
but a wrinkle lies there sometimes
i know why inside
i know why scars appear
i know why i feel so bitter
pit of the stomach
where i feel the acid churn
when i "forget" to eat
i shake when i remember
i forgot to be unlike them
i have not changed
i have not
i want to, need to, change

in my head often it talks
all about me
and when it wells up
when i feel as if i'd wretch
when it feels as if i tried too hard
to please you
or tried to hard to please me
through you
it runs about confused
in memory in sadness
in my anger

the pain shoots across my forehead
down into the depths
of whatever i am
i know i failed myself
its all about me
i was trained well
even though i don't want it to be

i want to change
wanted to let you in
thought that would help
soften a heart of stone

i am still young i am still young
like a mind,
can not a heart still grow?

friday.

nothing too eventful today. hence no exciting title. let's see... i can bore you with some mundane details...

i rolled out of bed sort of late... sometime before noon... felt like 11. mom made waffles but it was more of an experiment because she tried to make the batter out of flour, sugar, egg, and baking soda. prolly milk too. anyway. combine that with the fact that the waffle maker is on the fritz (the hinge broke) so they weren't the best waffles. and kind of soggy on top. but any waffle is better than no waffle eh? altho the whole upstairs smelled like fried green peppers cuz my dad made home fries. well sort of. big potatoes that are fried. so pseudo home fries. i guess it depends on how you eat them. anyway the smell threw off the waffle taste.

checked my facebook today. i haven't been online in a few days. and i'm shocked at how some of the people i went to high school with are engaged to each other. its crazy. i guess u turn 24 and you need to be married? lol. i don't know. well actually just that they are dating STILL is miracle enough to mean marriage is eminent. i guess. haha. also amazes me since i had no interest in dating anyone from my high school. i haven't seen anyone around town. but i haven't gone looking. i did see a girl at the mall that lived across from me at uconn. but uh we weren't friends. to say the least.

also i saw on my comments that there is a sequel to 'saturday night fever.' lol. yes i don't know these things b/c those movies are so cheesy that i try to ignore their existence - and i think Travolta is sorta scary. and kinda looks like he has a reptiles' head.

hmm. so yesterday we were going to go to nyc. so my mom could go to the dentist. but we didn't get woken up till 10am. so it was a lost cause. and it was ice raining. which sucks. so we headed out to get there a little late... but gave up and just went to the mall. lol. i got a neat dress i may wear on new years. and a really weird sweater that has arms that only go to your elbows and then its kind of like a shawl. so weird. and one of those skirts that has a high waist and surprisingly doesn't make me look pregnant. and a couple other things that i can't wear to work. lol. i need to have an outside of work life so i can wear all my cute clothes ;p

i'm kind of glad we didn't go to the city. its so dismal. i like it... but i need to have something fun to do if i go there. not just claustrophobic car induced fights with family and bad diner food. and reminds me all the stuff i didn't do when i used to go visit plunk. we shoulda made ourselves do more fun stuff. i think we'd have known each other better then. instead of just being lazy asses. but i guess that takes creativity and planning. and laziness is so easy. like for example... i've done nothing this week. 'cept shopping and watching films. and i finished a book and started a scary one on aliens. which caused nightmares so i quit reading. and started another one. which i've started several times and never finished because the characters seem all violent and mean and i can't identify with them. and its just no good that way. so if anyone has some book suggestions i'm open. i've got 2 to read back at my apartment. so they'll keep me busy for a while. lol. i'm slow.

i am psyched about new years, starting a new year, my gym membership starting when i get back to boston... i think i need new sneakers tho (my old ones are from high school) with all the shoes i have you'd think i'd have newer sneakers. they just don't look like they are worn out yet. but i'm no gym shoe expert. but not too psyched about courses not starting till the 15th so i have 2 weeks of work with no students around to keep me busy. but i guess i'll get through it. always find something to do. or else i'll have to convince myself to learn some new things.

can't believe my sister is going to be 20 in a few days. and i'm heading towards 25 next year. i'll definitely put "quarter-life crisis" on my to do list. although i think i may have had it already. hah.

<3

today's video

"last christmas" by wham (aka george michael)

how can you have christmas without it??

on another note (web browsers)

so i created this layout on my mac... and those mac scrollbars aren't changeable with style tags like on windows so it may not be so aesthetically pleasing on there... but looks chic on the windows platform. sigh. i will have to convert to something mac-visible. but i'll save that for later...

christmas day.

so last time i tried to publish it wouldn't go through... so it just got published now (free servers have their issues haha)

so christmas day is over. i pretty much knew what i was going to get. i got the panini maker i wanted. so now i can make hot and toasty sandwiches whenever i want lol. too bad i don't have 2 (one for at work) but that's just greedy. anyway so i tested that out on the bacon for breakfast. works pretty good ;p

i think everyone liked what i got them. but ya never know. and my sis got me the husy paw pants that i always wanted at uconn but never got. i think they are a different brand now so not like $85 anymore. that was crazyness.

other than that christmas is never picture perfect like its supposed to be. ppl get grumpy and have fights about whether flaps on hats stay sewed up or go down over ur eyes. pssh. but that's my family. maybe yours is different, but then again - maybe not.

i don't know what i'll be doing the next of week. but some of it will consist of taking a few things back. and uh.. enjoying not having to get up too early. not that i've been able to sleep in since i'm on a sort of sleep schedule now. (not waking up as early as i should for work but waking up before 9am on my own without the alarm)

so let's see... we watched 'the simpsons movie' last night. it was just like a really long episode. aka. nothing special. for some reason i got the impression that they were going to be superheroes in the movie... i don't know where that came from b/c that wasn't what it was about. same themes as always (saving the evironment, geeky lisa finding boyfriends, homer being a bad parent/husband, and marge being ever so faithful to homer... and bart well envying flanders kids was odd).

my mom bought my sis a bunch of music themed/dancing musical type movies. so we watched 'saturday night fever' which was... odd... and we don't know if it was the uncut version b/c there was more nudity that we expected. and ew travolta put on some pants. anyway at least he was wearing pants aka a dress in 'hairspray' b/c we watched that too. it was kind of funny he was playing the mom... but why he's a man? we wondered if he was dancing in the fat suit. or if they had like a woman double or something. i think i saw an old version of that movie.. i don't think it was a musical... and i think it was better. this reminded me of a disney movie with real people instead of cartoons. but put enough costumes on and you'll be a cartoon. as far as 'saturday night fever' i didn't think travolta was that great of a dancer... well he was better than that girl he chose as a dance partner. her outfits reminded me of a semi-recent madonna video. gah. horrible. and sadly madonna is in better shape. oh and i wonder if/why they never did a sequel? i mean... did he find a job in manhattan? could they stay just friends? the world will never know.

ok i'm going to go play with the "salad shooter" i got for xmas and help make dinner.

<3

and i'm home for christmas

so i'm back at home for a week for our intersession break from work. and i dunno what i'll do prolly just hang with bear (who has a new dog bed - even tho he's a cat ;p) and sneeze a lot b/c of that.

today's youtube song is here. (embed was disabled!) landon pigg - "can't let go"

we're already listened to the hanson cd and we're on to julia's first mix cd. we've got a couple more to go than we may be sick of christmas music. i got home around 10pm last night so tired but stayed up till 1:30am. we started watching v for vendetta before 1am... before that we were googling youtube things. i wish my internet in boston was faster! comcast sucks!! or my wireless reception.. but likely both. plus we pay $45 a month for it... yahoo is like half of that. and so much better. gosh.

a little bit of snow flakes were coming down. mom and dad are out christmas shopping. AND i'm pissed she returned something i picked out for myself b/c according to her she "thought it was for julia and she woulndn't want it" when if she had asked dad he woulda known i picked it out for me and made him get it. grrr. she's annoying like that. past few years they have been going out last minute like this and buying crap we don't want when we'd rather they just not waste the money and be stressed out about it and annoying b/c they are stressed out about shopping. well at least mom, she hates shopping. dad just doesn't do much of it. well at least that's how i feel about it i dunno about julia she likes stuff. no matter what it is. if its wrapped up she probably wants it.

oh oh laptop you are so not cooling yourself well. i wonder if i buy a new heat sink/fan thingydoodle it will fix it. i'm scared of openin it up and messing with it. and my damn windows toolbar won't minimize to the smallest size. its stuck all big and in the wayz. garz. oh, computers.

hmmm on to AIM. haha. that is my life.

<3

snow snow snow

its coming down and covering the ugly slush. unfortunately i'm at work all day till its dark out so i cant take any photos :(

one of these days i'll become a morning person. still hasn't happened yet. unless 2am is morning.

<3

so welcome back

i posted a quick little layout. this image is from kent falls in new milford last summer (when i went with plunk). anyway me and trees are cool. so i replaced the last trees with these. and wrote a little poem on the front about how i feel about things right now.

this wasn't what i was planning but its winter and i don't have a handle on my new camera yet. i just wanted something different other than that huge green mess i made. so maybe i feel like writing here. and all that flickr business i'm not sure of right now. or posting links to other things other than blog... i want to pick out my favorite photos i've taken and showcase those instead of just every photo i've ever taken. but as we know (if you know me) i'm horrible at choosing favorites. so this may be another project in my personal development. so i suppose right now this is a blog so me and my stalkers can talk.

and yes i'm trying to make this more private so bios will be more vague and everyone will have code names. jk. but most ppl already have code names.

and i love kevin devine (listening to him now). and jonah matranga grew up where i'm living now. so maybe there's good energy here.

as long as we can laugh we'll all be ok.

<3 amorette

omg.

i finally found the stupidest item ever invented...

George Foreman iPod Grill

George Foreman iPod Grill. Ideal for indoor or outdoor use, this George Foreman electric barbeque provides a large 200-square-inch cooking surface for grilling veggies, burgers, and more. The unit's George Tough nonstick coating ensures effortless food release and simple cleanup, while its center channel drains fat away from food and into a large grease tray. The unique appliance not only grills, but it can also provide music to help set the mood--whether romantic or fun and festive during a party. For music capabilities, the unit comes equipped with a 10-watt speaker and the ability to be used with an iPod or MP3 player. Other highlights include an adjustable temperature-control probe, a sleek attractive design, and a high-domed lid.

because you always want your ipod to be in such close proximity to all the grease we all know the george foreman is designed to create. haha.

eh?

did i ever tell you i <3 canadians? here's a song. to stall me thinking of something to say. oh, and i'm still waiting for the moffatts to come back (googling that at the moment) haha. or at least some of them *pouts* please? i still have those scbd.nu blog posts from way back when saved on blogger. (if anyone remembers that)


ben sigston - "smile"

before

before there was you i had my blog. i had my fansites. i had another you. and now in absence here i return. back to where it began. back to talking to myself so i don't bother everyone with my lamenting. (and my opinions you may not agree with. but really i think you would. if we understood each other.)

although really it is just to lessen the load. i will still whine to ya'll.

so its winter and the fingers are numb because the kitchen is cold and the kitchen sink water is cold. my warm is toasty yet drafty. but the draft is all my fault because i still have the air conditioner in the window and have not come up with a way to rig up something to block it yet.

and i am painfully tired. constantly. but mostly because i can't sleep. and it doesnt help that my knee and my lower back are giving me shit. so i can't walk right. and that my bed has self destructed. its no longer as firm as i need it. or i feel i need it. either way something is up. i'm going to blame the tempo seat and the little bike. (or that inability to sleep).

new webhost

so i've been hosted on 2mhost for at least 3 years at a very reasonable less-than-20 bucks a year for 50mb. but as everyone knows i don't have a job i'd rather spend that $$ on shoes/purses on ebay or on the train to visit plunk or registering my moms domain name for another two years. oh, and free hosting is super nice. i've put my moms website on freehostia for the past year, but i never actually made it till last month. i've noticed that sometimes when i upload things the text doesn't come out right on the page when i load it. so if this occurs. not my bad. blame the free host, right? i'm sure i'll notice it and re-upload it before anyone else does. but feel free to rat on my host for me. but anyway i have more space now. so maybe my archives can come back (for sneaky people to read).

oh and [speaking of webhosts] i've just realized that trembling.org vanished. so i'll have to figure out if portland is still doing OK with the responsibility of keeping that open .. or move it to freehostia. ... maybe one day i'll want to change that. but i so like it the way it is. its like an old diary. of course without any mention of daily life. or really my life. for real.

web hosting .. the necessary evil

so i used to be a web host myself. way back when. lol. but now i'm not. now i don't even think i'm going to renew paying $18 for my current webhost. i have no qualms with them whatsoever. its just that even my text files were filling up 50mb and i can get 250mb for free at another site. so i'm going to try that. i'd rather pay $9+tax to renew this than $27+tax for the year. because i'm a cheap bastard. and that's why i gave up being a webhost .. because everyones cheap (not necessarily a bastard). lol. besides when i did it it was fun cuz i was chatty with the girls i hosted.

anyway stuff like this pisses me off. that must have been when i decided not to renew uncontrollable.org .. 2/4/2005. ever since then domaincollection.com has been trying to sell it at a much inflated price (i'm sure, b/c you have to contact them for an estimate). isn't 2 years long enough to tell its not going to sell? i liked it. but i can't have it now. nor any of the other names i used. because they were snatched up by the same sort of companies. so now there are tons (and tons) of websites out there that look like this. three that i stopped running weren't bought up. one because it was a .nu, one because it was a long made up word, and the third because it was a short made up word. but i would like to own the zine site we had again. just in case i was ever really bored and wanted to pick up being cool again. lmao. but really its a silly thing. there's nothing wrong with one domain name. and i've had people offer to buy this one and trembling.org (which i still own, for no reason really). and maybe they had better uses in mind. but i like denying other ppl ownership. besides it was my idea, i had it first right. if only u could own it for life w/a one time fee. that'd be easier. we'd all go around with our made up name associations. like bumper stickers on our internet personality.

at least i don't have a site that's just a webcam pointing at a fish tank. but maybe i would if i could keep fish alive.

hmm i bet the free webhost doesn't support .shtml .. hmph. [oooh it says it does <3]

~ kara

sun is in the sky oh my oh my .. no its not

so its been raining for like 2-3 days. i dunno. forever. i don't think i've been out side in weeks. thats an accomplishment, no? but this weekend is spring weekend. so i think i'll be crashing up at uconn like the good old times... if they were ever good. it usually rained and i got pissy. so i'll prepare this time. plus we're all old folks now so we prolly won't be out ALL night. lol.

hmmm... its tuesday. nope nothing redeeming there. 'cept house is on tonight. but we always forget to watch it. my mom is steadily trying to make stamps to make tshirts. there's gotta be a better way. i still want to lookup those wires with the flat ends to make these earrings i've wanted to make since summer. cuz that's fun. der. better than doin nothing. i could be making all kinds of things. maybe i should have stayed with computer engineering then i would know if my great invention of today would be possible. anyway if tshirts or earrings ever get made, or if i ever list those things i've wanted to sell on ebay. [or if i ever make moms website] that'd be something done. but geez i need a job. wah. i'm ready to march into a store and get a sales associate job. you need something scheduled to do every day or you don't do anything.

i ran 2 miles yesterday. its supposed to be a mile every day. that was the plan. but i use the term 'ran' lightly. running on a treadmill hurts my knees. i just jog a little then walk uncomfortably fast. and sometimes i get this quick jog going. but i run out of air. haha. i'm tryin. i think the elastic stretchy things ["resistance bands"] hurt my wrists. i think i use them too much when other muscles are supposed to be taking some responsibility. either that or i type too much. may be the typing. carpel tunnel here i come.

oh and now i have a list of all the books i have that i probably will never read. if you're curious.

and todays entertaining waste of time is:


hard-fi - cash machine


till something exciting happens,
kara

so i thought

since youtube doesn't recall my favorites when i add them. and no one can see what i like that way anyhow. i thought since sometimes i do a lot of farting around online in the midst of "getting things done" and sometime i like things. and sometime i forget to tell people i like things. yes i don't hate everything. i thought. "hey that's what blogger is for right? i'm supposed to blog stuff" so imma start blogging "stuff." since my fotolog holds all the photos i've taken that i wish to share i no longer inserted such things into blogs, thereby removing the problem of broken picture links. so excuse any broken links in the future when the all powerful makes the sharing of things online forbidden or someone takes these fun things down to be unfun.

so the blogging of fun things begins. oh and i did wake up before 1pm today. but last night was rather restless. its hard to sleep when you're a bundle of energy. oh and now i want to figure CAD out so i can make a CAD representation of my room. cuz that'd be awesome. so it can be disorganized digitally as well as literally and figuratively and so forth.

oh and i do love how facebook is transforming itself and how it lets u post fun things in notes. but facebook profiles will never be all pretty like i want them to be. and in time perhaps we'll all forget of them. although i'm still waiting for ppl to forget about myspace. and frienster. and orkut. and makeoutclub. and .. oh wait! ppl did forget those. when i get a new layout up i'm going to put links to all those fun profiles i waste time with. because. why not. they don't link here for the most part, but maybe i can give them a kickback.

so here's this posts object:


feist - 1 2 3 4

<3 kara

oh i'm still a fanson

oh! lest i forget. i really do miss running fansites and having awesome ppl to talk to. haha. anyway so if a hanson fan happens to still be reading this?? or just started anyway... i miss running uncontrollable.org (i don't own it anymore, quite obviously) and i don't have hanson.net anymore (i will again when i have an income) but i'm trying to collect all the random songs i missed out on (the ones that were leaked on the internet so i couldn't buy 'em on any CD's)...

so if you're like me and don't know if your ipod has every hanson song ever released to the public on it .. i'm putting the ones i find online for others to discover at esnips/web/rarehanson

btw i love esnips. yea that's like an advert. but i do. its the only way i can share things with my sis at college. AIM file send just blows. it really does. it never works. yayyyyy esnips. haha.

~ kara

thursday was tv night

so thursday has been the only good night to watch tv in years. basically. and i was sad the OC ended. so sad i still haven't watched the last 2 episodes. which in my mind extends the length of the show forever, because i never finished it. but i do have them recorded on my fancy little dvd recorder. well no its not little. but it records. just in case one day i'm brave enough to watch 'em. but i only started watching in season 3 so i think it'd be fitting to maybe watch from season 1 and THEN finish it? although, i still haven't done that with sex and the city.

but really the OC was over when they killed marissa cooper.

tonight was disappointing. i hate recap shows of greys. they are no fun. i KNOW what happened. even though i missed a lot of shows. its like a soap, you don't ever miss too much. wait, i'm always lost on soaps. i don't know. i can't follow them they have too much ADD for me. no wait, not ADD its sap. too much sap. i get stuck. so sticky. oh no, that's the tree kind.

anyway today i start my going to bed before 1am rule. can i make it? can i really do that? i dunno.

also maybe here would be a good place to keep track of where i applied for jobs? i'm going to try to apply for 2 a day. can i do that too? oh we'll see. i blew my running a mile a day for the past 2 days. but i think going to bed before 1am getting up before 2pm will give me more energy. so i can keep that task on schedule. anyway. so today i applied to work at Revlon and Google. in package engineering and assisting projects. both sound fun. oh c'mon. anything's fun. but i think i'll let gmail keep track of the jobs i applied to. or my harddrive. those are fun things. harddrives. i think the one in this CPU won the race. i've had it a long time. well i don't know how long. but at least 6-7 years. but i think it definitely had an advantage. my laptop could melt a cheese sandwich. or five. let alone a woosy little harddrive.

and now i make myself try to sleep. onward towards a great life. eh? i'll make it happen. i will. i swear. nothing to swear by. but why not.

g'nite.

~ kara

our good will is expensive

so my trusty old Compaq FS740 (CRT monitor) that i got refurbished in 2000 or 2001 (too long ago to remember) has been on the fritz for the past couple of months. it got into this phase of its life where it decided it was a good idea to start making everything look a little aqua. and then disco-party its sway along flickering back and forth between color and its new blue wash-over.

and sifting through endless lists of job openings is difficult when your eyes are screaming. so a few weeks ago i scoured the internet and local electronics stores for LCD monitors and TV/LCD monitor combos .. and really i thought the quality looked crappy. and none of those monitors were easy to look at for $190-$240 bucks. especially when that sets me back financially when really all i want is to find a job and then i'll junk this CPU and replace it with something spiffy. (if i ever have time for a computer.)

so i went to good will and got an $8 CRT monitor from 1999. and its not blue! lol. it has 2 very thin grey lines across the screen. but it was 8 bucks. and its 17" like my old one.

sad part is i never did figure out how to use the mic on the old FS740, or what those color coded holes in the back were for. now i just need to get the coffee spill out of the keyboard and find the other stand for the purple JBL speakers that used to be the ears on either side of the monitor so i'm not hearing in mono. (i still think the speakers sound pretty sweet tho.)

and that was today. but really our good will is rather expensive. once i almost wanted to buy a pair of worn out shoes cuz they were cute but they were $8. and a dress that looked like a mermaid would wear it but it was like $16. and the books are $4. and i saw a desk lamp for $30. at least things are new at walmart/kmart/target/payless for those prices. well besides the books. but the local thrift store has those for 25 cents. i guess they don't think anyone around here is poor. i wonder why we have a homeless shelter then. oh cuz there are poor ppl around here. der. greedy schmucks.

~ kara

easter sunday = candy

i finally wrote in a paper journal last night. i haven't done that in forever. i started in on the one ben gave me... i still have at least 3 blank ones i've gotten from mom my old boss and myself. thats probably enough for a lifetime. haha.

besides from the fact that today i took new photos and put them on my myspace page (b/c we all know that's so much fun??) nothing all too eventful today.

it was easter. and we don't celebrate easter, we just celebrate candy. so i had a lot of candy and worked out a lot .. cuz well candy undoes that. o and cheesecake definitely undoes that. hehe.

'nite nite world
~kara

well i'm all better now

so its april right, and thursday i saw snow flurries and people were still skating at rockefeller center. and the daffodils were all up and ready to open when i arrived on tuesday and regardless of the weather the buds were all open by the end of the week. and it always seems like you have nothing to say to someone when you begin with the topic of weather. but since i maintain my position that we are all animals and everything we do relates to that. i don't mind conversations of weather. i think its part of our instinct to notice it, to be bothered by it, and then to whine about anything hindering our lives to our compadres. eh?

i'm still chasing after that elusive career. i think i should dig up a book on the GRE's and get ready to go tackle a grad school. my parents think it'd be a good idea to ship me off to the college my bf is at to study finance. even tho its hella cash none of us have and uhm i don't know if that school has any cred for business-type-things. but i guess to appease their interest i will look into it. a masters in a year would be nice. less time. less money. i don't know about next year tho. i guess i could commute from home. anyway that's option number 2. number 1 is still getting a job and accumulating some funds. which is always nice.

parents want to go to lancaster PA and round up some dutch people and chocolate bars. but julie will be in school and this is for their anniversary so they dunno about "taking the kids." i'd be the only kid tho. i guess i could try to be kid-like.

i haven't had a fight with the 'rents since i had that late night talk w/plunk about how i like to fight with the 'rents. but i think staying away for 4 days may have helped that. it usually does. especially when the cell phone is off. but i'm going to try to keep it up. the hardest part is when you're cranky. or you haven't eaten. and thus you're cranky. then you just want to pick fights. or when you just have a tummy ache. i almost for a moment wanted to pick a fight with plunk. for the combination of the hungry and ache reasons. but i dunno he's hard to pick fights with unless its about me saying his politics are bull. which is fun, i think. at least he'll have more practice defending his ideas ;p but i'm probably not a worthy adversary to practice on. haha.

politics schmolotics. {i love how blogger wants to spellcheck my made-up-words}

i think that i ate vegetarian chili yesterday, well i know i did, and i think it has screwed up my insides. it could have been too many beans, but it probably was too much spice. my tummy doesn't like the spices. arr.

oh so i guess for the rest of the world: i got a haircut. haven't done that in .. ages. well gotten someone to cut it for me anywayz. and its short. again. woohoo. i like short hair. but sadly it will grow and i won't be able to cut it myself. so it will just grow forever. i tried to grow my hair out for the locks of love thing. but i don't know if i had 10 inches. and didn't want to go to the fancy salon to get told i didn't have enough to donate and then having to go to the other place to get it cut. so i just went to astor place and got it cut. and there aren't enough wachovia's in the city. too many chases. not enough of my bank. wah. yea but no photos yet. its saturday. 1pm is still morning.

oh an since this blog is mostly for myself. (aren't all blogs?) i'm congratulating myself for losing 5lbs. but i'm going to have to remind myself not to eat tons of cheesecake and cookies (in the fridge for easter) and to keep running. cuz 5lbs comes back real fast. so if i gain it back, at least i can tell myself i told you so.

someone find me a job,
kara

hopefully i can sleep it off

its the nicest weather in a long time and i'm sick. i think i always get sick when the rest of the world is feeling great. blah. i hate sore throats. this just sucks. hopefully i can sleep it off. i spent most of the day in bed but that doesn't seem to have improved the situation.

when you're sick everything just feels so dirty. but you don't have the energy to go about being OCD about cleaning things. wait. i hardly ever have the energy to do that. but that's besides the point. gross gross gross.

i know this is a riveting post.

till another day.

~ bed ridden in CT

fotolog + chairs + movies = tuesday

so today is a tuesday. today a staffing agency called me back. needless to say i am still unemployed. possibly going to a career fair friday... even tho i don't know how much it will help. but yea i'm just not scurrying enough to find something.

i updated my fotolog. corrected the blog dates to match the dates the photos were taken. added photos from wv, nyc, and from the hanson concert in new haven i went to last friday. other than that i haven't taken any other photos. or thought of anything to say obviously. that and i still have to make my moms website... and figure out when it expires. that has been -like- a year in the making.

andddd i need a new chair cuz sitting here is no fun. this chair is just hard. and i'm starved. starved for many things-but starved for food at the moment. but thats not unusual. sometimes i just forget i should of had lunch. and i did that today. so my lunch is always late. even tho i managed to wake up at 10am for that phone call, haphazardly brush the morning out of my mouth, and mumble out some responses - i still left out lunch. hmph.

that and CT is in a deep freeze. well not only CT i suppose. this is an odd winter. winter is OK. i like winter. but deep freezes i'm not a big fan of. especially since they involve ice. and ice is something that usually makes me fall down and obtain giant bruises. and those are not fun. so as a result i haven't been outside in a while. i think also that its effecting my desire to leave the house and find work. i will definitely want work before summer because it does get awful warm in here. isn't that a twisted way to rationalize. everything is.

sunday night we watched the departed. i wasn't too fond of it. particularly because of leo, but additionally because of accents i couldn't undestand, make-believe words i don't know the meaning of, and blood splatter. lots of blood splatter. on top of crude humor. does anyone find that funny? i don't know. so last night my sister picked the movie again and we watched blood diamonds... now i don't speak any african languages but at least this had subtitles so i could get what people were saying. which made it better. but the laptop overheated and froze just about when the main characters may or may not have been killed. and we've yet to finish watching it. so i dunno how much i dislike that movie yet.

sunday afternoon we watched marie antionette. the only thing that could have possibly been added to that film to make it worthwhile would be if they had actually beheaded kirsten dunst. the possibility of that occurring was the only reason i sat down to watch it. unfortunately they didn't give me the satisfaction of going that far with the story. so the movie really sucked. i think the whole thing was based on a plot that went something like this "dress up kirsten in these silly dresses, make her eat a lot of food with her fingers, pretend to get drunk a few times, and then act slightly scared for about 5 seconds /end movie"

hmm. i think its lunch time.

~ kara

and... its february!

sigh. this site is so neglected its the wrong season. hehe.

well my life has been pretty neglected as well. i finally got my design project finished for school. as in i will be getting a grade (an A of course). wooee. and i have my degree so i'm finished with undergrad. which means i need to find a job or take the GRE's and decide what i really want to study. at the moment i'm rather haphazardly looking for a job. i hope there is something around here or near nyc. because if i can't be near home i at least want to be somewhere exciting and near where ben is going to school.

and... this is my first valentines day ever that i've had a boyfriend to share it with. if i feel like going to nyc on wednesday (hehe). i've always had sort of anti-valentines day ("vagina" day) parties with the girls or adam and i platonically pretended to be valentines once or twice. so i don't know what to come up with to do. its a silly holiday. we already know we like each other. i guess maybe its just an excuse to get hopped up on chocolate. and i think we intend on doing that. for sure.

despite the bitter cold its nice and toasty in here. and like all those other animals i've packed on my winter blubbler. so i'm surviving. haha. i think the plan for today is to stay away from chinese buffets and work on running off the one i ate last night. haha. that and my room is an eternal mess to be shoved into small corners so it doesn't look like the past 23 years of my life has amounted to bundles of crap and clothes and whatnot that no one should really own. and i have a massive variety of a music (and movie) collection to organize. and i wish the grade for that course would get on the system so i could have my actual gpa to put on my resume and get these applications out. also that involves going to many many websites till my computer freezes from a headache. and then it gives me one.

but its sunday. sunday isn't supposed to be productive. first things first i suppose. and that involves running, showering and eating. oh, and the everpresent laundry. life always amounts to bundles of ordinary things.

oh finally i found what was eating my space so i couldn't post things! junk mail! who knew. lol. 11mb of junkmail on a 50mb account can do some damage. anywho. any ideas on fun places in nyc be my guest.

<3 kara