Friday, December 28, 2007

confessions, randomly strewn

every night
i am horribly drawn to call him
missing the closeness
that perhaps was entirely fantasy
imagination is a skill of mine
now i feel i've dropped from his life
too distant, full too of denial

and strange things
he has never stirred in me
bubbling to the surface
fear. apprehension.
realization: i wanted to please
feelings of failure
remission & weakness
gnawing need
empty empty depths

feeling of being left behind
scraping not falling together
scattered me

hiding meaning in puzzled words
finding myself alone
entrapped with vivid imagination
wanting to hear that voice
the voice that could make my blood rush
my heart dizzy
those words i heard
every night
months ago now

months ago, but it doesn't seem so
buried in the past
time travel doesn't seem so impossible

 · · · ·

i lie to myself about anticipation
while the sun hangs in the sky
as night finds me burying myself
in other peoples fantastic stories
i dig out my own
and scare myself from sleep

falsified
anticipation of a future
a new year, new life
hope? i can not find hope
trapped in the past
must manifest -
try not to play pretend
must create a happiness
build a dream from earthly roots
until it is real

until i have a spirit to speak to
late into the morning
to set the fascinations to rest
let hope give way to dreams
and rest give way to sleep

 · · · ·

let go of desires
pushed into dormancy with distance
he will not be there to answer

let go
create
flourish

i speak a chant to myself
like a prayer
with no God to hear
ushering me on
do good do good
change grow flourish
forgiven not forgotten
friend not lover
adjust adapt recoup

 · · · ·

just another year
(he said it was so long)
truth speaks it was brief
passing moment in the wake of a life
with minds eager to form new memories

 · · · ·

thoughts colliding too much,
everything becomes incoherent
not simple
no direct contrast, no left and right
black nor white
this is life
we live in our deconstructions

hard to imagine
you desire freedom
i desire shackles
you feel relief
i curse freedom

solitary
a weak point
drifting in a stream of chaos

collisions
scribe destiny
with the ebbing of the waves
swaying of all that is untethered
in a wind you can not tame

 · · · ·

we didn't want to be our parents
held them up as idols
to reminds us what we should not become
moments flash in memory
i was my mothers temper
i failed
moments
you were your fathers demons
you failed
we could not succeed

 · · · ·

pain ripples across the center of my forehead
i am still young i am still young
but a wrinkle lies there sometimes
i know why inside
i know why scars appear
i know why i feel so bitter
pit of the stomach
where i feel the acid churn
when i "forget" to eat
i shake when i remember
i forgot to be unlike them
i have not changed
i have not
i want to, need to, change

in my head often it talks
all about me
and when it wells up
when i feel as if i'd wretch
when it feels as if i tried too hard
to please you
or tried to hard to please me
through you
it runs about confused
in memory in sadness
in my anger

the pain shoots across my forehead
down into the depths
of whatever i am
i know i failed myself
its all about me
i was trained well
even though i don't want it to be

i want to change
wanted to let you in
thought that would help
soften a heart of stone

i am still young i am still young
like a mind,
can not a heart still grow?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

That was really lovely....sad too, of course, but still lovely. You're a really beautiful person, and I know my good wishes don't mean much, but I hope the coming year will be a happier one for you. Relationships are soo hard...just, soo hard. Best of wishes, lovely Kara, and thanks for the posts, sincerely, Chris R.