time

fit me into this box
         where i am perfect
and love me
     i dare you.

there is always one person. we've loved briefly. with everything we have.
that we will think of fondly. through out our lives.
no matter how perfect the one we are with is.
and we will dig our claws in. to feel something else.
something other than some longing for a baby faced 20-something.
we knew when we were the same.
for a succession of moments.
but never knew again.
and never could know again.
time moves on. because it has to. or the memory wouldn't be so perfect.
and the clawing at what we still have wouldn't be so worth it.
& sometimes we remember. memories of pain are just as perfect.
reminders of what we once were.
but gladly... we don't have to be again.

* * *

but he is clear as the bright blue sky to me. he's been away 10 days and i already miss him too much. and its one of those irrational pit of the stomach fears that when someone is away they will stay away. its like breaking up if you don't see someone everyday. temporarily. but sometimes that's a good thing.

when someone asks me what my type is. i say i don't know i usually fall for someone who isn't commonly considered handsome. but in some offbeat way i find them entirely irresistible. everyone has their own brad pitt. hah.

i watched the benjamin button movie tonight. finally. i had read the short story it was based on a while back because it was one of those free ebooks that can be found online. can't say the movie matched the story line exactly. but it was a very short story and they pulled it off well. the make up they do in movies is always amazing. they make those ppl look so aged or so young whenever they want. when we all know how old the actors really are. if only we each had our own film crews to make us look glamorous. or hideous, on demand. film is the fountain of youth.

i'm sad to see that this host i am using only allows 250mb... i swore it was more before. but i knew one day they'd have to figure out how to make money off of people. once they are settled do something that will drive them to pay. but i can always post the txt on blogger and put it in a frame on the page or something i suppose. i looked at an old page i made before. used to spend so much more time on this. it looked really good w/framesets. i should do that for this layout. then just put the blogspot page in a frame. ahh... how we used to work around things back in the day. coming back to me now. i've got close ties with frugal.

~ amorette

keeping secrets

we get so good at keeping secrets. that sometimes we forget we have any.

in films they will have the couples diverge their silly secrets and then announce that now they have no more secrets so everything will be perfect. they are finally one unit.

but maybe we should keep secrets. so we remain our own entities. maybe we shouldn't share all of the same desires and passions and interests. maybe in fact we should disagree on whether to listen to marley or deathcab. maybe its ok classical music gives me a headache and you like to listen to it before bed. no one after all really wants to be best friends with themselves. that's just what we say when we are lonely.

so i'm certain there is a seasonal mood swing that occurs. maybe without even knowing it things change just because of the weather. like this damn rain we've been having. for weeks it seems. and it not just seems that way, i think that's the truth. in spring we had weeks of 85 degree summer weather. and then weeks and weeks of rain. and now it is technically summer but the rain continues. and this damn mood swing has developed. so usually the only thing that can get you down in the summer is the humidity. the damp sweaty feeling you can't escape. recently i'm getting that in my office, because the heat is perched at 83.1 and it won't relent. the thermostat is useless. and its a reoccurring event that never seems to be fixed for good; like that drip-drip leak from the ceiling that fills buckets each time it rains. good thing the weeks of rain have at least been mostly misty weather and not all out downpours. this isn't like boston, to be so wet. either way, i've been on edge lately. angry at no one, but you'd think it was at you.

at least i can't get angry at a blog. or maybe i can, but it won't hold a grudge.

~ amorette

tonight is the kind of night...

you feel like talking to air.

or internet, as it may be.

yesterday it was gorgeous out. i went back to my old college campus to visit my sister and some old and new friends in my sorority. i am very nostalgic about that place. it hasn't been long enough for nostalgia to kick in but there's no other way to describe it. i like that its set in a hick town. that they have cows and horses and sheep and 4-H chicken shows. today is was raining and foggy. but the fog has that way of settling. makes me wish i had a camera that could pick that up. or at least hadn't forgotten mine so i could try.

why do farm animals give you these looks like they are so sad. i think we just associate big eyes with sad. and they just have big eyes. but still. i think they may have just wanted treats. but i'm pretty sure they don't want me feeding horses treats. i might give them jelly donuts. cafeteria ones no less. those will cause some destruction.

when i'm driving around the area of campus i just get these memories of the people i hung out with and where i used to go. i miss living with so many people i enjoy hanging out with. and just doing whatever all the time because we're just in the same place. but its not really possible to recreate that. now its workday. weekday evenings spent by myself. weekends spent with the boyfriend or on excursions to visit CT friends or family. i don't really have a new life here other than all my crap. my apartment i wish i could change. and the boyfriend. but maybe i do and i just wouldn't realize it until i left. and came back to drive around.

not that i'm leaving anytime soon. maybe i need to admit that i'm here for a while. and then i'll settle. and grow some roots.

wish i could find a damn apartment with roommates i got along with and more space and a place for the car. i guess that's really much too ask for without forking over more cash. but would it be worth it? it might be worth it just for more fridge space.

amorette

trembling

so I keep websites like relics of the past. like those paper journals I stopped using after my first real affliction with blogging. I still have several beautiful paper journals I'm not sure will ever get filled with anger and sobs, joy and misappropriated love. and a few others I deemed theme journals with a few scant entries. one was going to be a catalogue of my history of lovers. but that'd be slow going as now they are more like long novels and less like sitcoms with overlapping broadcast times.

so yesterday I got an email, well checked my email for the first time really since our long failure of a trip to the east. well really we had Internet access but I was in the midst of ignoring the existence of the world, which includes spam. so the email was a notice that trembling was expiring, or by last night had expired, but of course I could not let it stay that way. one day I will add to it so I will continue to keep it. at least this is what justifies the expense.

I have slipped into a nonchalantness recently. bordering on a desire to completely alter my life. I get into these cleansing phases. that really all in all sort of represent themselves as bouts of minor depression.

I am still fighing off el gripe de Japan as I will call it. and next time I am in japan in winter I will make sure not to try to tuff it in a sweatshirt.

anyway off to pay attention to my boyfriend; the idiotic typing of this ipod is driving me nuts.

amorette