Sunday, March 26, 2006

it feels like someone's looking at you

its been a while. there's a million things i should be doing. but this is school and doing things requires a clear head. an ability to think. i got sucked into watching some television shows. the only medical dramas i've ever been able to watch are the new ones... greys anatomy and house. but sunday night is such a convenient time to be doing nothing and watching tv so greys anatomy seems to be the only show i watch regularly. its just sad though. everything makes me tear up. they are getting good at that. making me feel something. or i'm getting more susceptible.

i'm supposed to be writing a paper on immigration. although i should have written it during spring break when i did nothing but putz around the house. but i'm not into it. i don't have any opinion. its kind of like i don't have an opinion because i'm not out making any difference in it. we're discussing racism in the community assistant course i'm taking (its actually called peer counseling, if that makes anything any clearer) and i just feel like anything i say will be useless or "wrong." we sat in our discussion class last week and we were all like "i dont know." we don't want to say anything about a theory on the development of a nonracist white identity. it doesn't make any sense. its written by an african american woman and about becoming completely racist and then turning around and blaming the people around you and then trying to change it and trying to learn from other racial identities. this whole discussion in class with identifying with a white identity i don't agree with. the article goes on about how an american white person when asked their race will say their ethnicity (english, irish, whatnot) when they should say white? why should they say white? i dont think an african american should say black. because then a haitian would have to say black too, right? because its a color. not an ethnicity. i might as well call myself pink. it has nothing to do with heritage. nothing to be proud of. its just a simple observable fact that anyone with the gift of sight can see. i dont want to have a white identity. i want to have a me identity. beyond all that bullcrap. if i don't know who i am why should i just give up and say i'm white. then they are trying to say all white people are racist because we are in the majority and its "not our fault individually" its institutional and social and we need to change the bigger picture. you know what. society and institution is just a bunch of individuals. maybe then it is the majority of the individuals. why don't they just say that. the majority of the most popular skin color still hasn't grown up. so society still sits there in the past. we're slow. things don't change in a day. it takes generations to change. it takes generations to forgive. it takes forever to know what's right.

anyway pretty soon us pale skinned kids won't be in the majority. then all those theories can just go to hell.

on a lighter note. i'm taking a nap.

~ kara

Sunday, March 12, 2006

you never know what you'll miss

so here's to the last day of my hiatus at home. it was also the first day i picked up any work i should have been doing. i read some of the book for my migration course... i dont think the teacher has any plan for us reading it besides for our own entertainment. but that entire course seems to be for our own entertainment. although i have to write a paper sometime soon. but thats school.

there's nothing new in my life so i always get stuck thinking of old things.

today i went for a walk in harrybrook park with my parents. my dad was trying to see if he could walk faster now that he is on heart medication. he thinks its better. thats good i guess. the crazy things they can do with pills now. it never ceases to amaze. playing around with the functions of the human body still scare me though. i guess i get that from my mother. she won't take anything for her high cholesterol. even though there are plenty of things available for it. and i don't like medication but i'll try anything they'll throw at me to fix my lousy skin. (but i will not see that goddamn doctor. he's just mean.) which has been alright lately. just very dry. and any sort of moisturizer is disaster.

everyone was friendly at the park people said hi. a random guy waved at us when we turned around in a development before we went to the park. we were going to look at another used car. my dads favorite pasttime. then some crazy woman in a honda from the 70s or so flipped us off when she was driving behind us on candlewood lake rd. what a crazy bitch. haha. i say she's jealous she's not driving a saab from the 90s. she's just three decades behind and bitter. harhar.

some cute guys were coming into the park as we were leaving. i looked at them and i got the look back but you know i have no way of telling age. i couldn't tell if they were high school kids or like college freshman or sophs. if i can't tell i should stay away. haha. then again i've met some people my age who didn't look it. i should just ask to see some id. hmmm....

as there's no one to instant message i think its time for bed. back to uconn campus tomorrow. yay...

~ kara

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

i'm addicted to you and these antihistamines

it would be easier to write a blog if i could see the screen. my glasses are again lost somewhere in this house. its a lot easier to find things when you live in a room which amounts to the size of a large cubicle. apparently our house has the largest square footage on the block, although you would not know this from the curbside. the wonders of information available to the public on the internet. my mom found that today while trying to do taxes.

its feels like a long day but i've only been awake for 9 hours. and in that time i have succeeded in eating twice and watching one episode of 'entourage' and the movie 'the constant gardener.' i did not follow the movie very well. i didn't know who was trying to kill who or how the companies were really working together. sometimes i feel like movies don't even try to make the plots understandable. like the director knows the plot too well so they forget that they are trying to get the audience involved enough to know whats going on.

its spring break but i haven't made any plans to do anything exciting, or anything at all. except some school work, so i won't have so much to do when i go back. i think i will sleep now and slam out a report for my 'migration' course tomorrow. unless my parents can think of something more fun to do.

now that my father is retired its odd to have him home all the time, along with my mother. he made a pumpkin pie today. didn't want to say it flat out, but it wasn't very good. i'm not sure why. it just didn't get firm. and texture of pumpkin pie is very important ;p i'm a pie expert now. pretty much.

goodnight world.

<3 kara

Monday, March 06, 2006

you are the only one that needs to know

6am. listening to all-american rejects. i dont know why i didn't go to sleep. but i'm watching the sunrise through the half open blinds in my bedroom at home. vacations at home are always distractions from the realities of life. i want to go somewhere. but the only places i could go involve people i'd love to see again but probably shouldn't. appropriate song, actually.

stay home and go on a mental vacation.

is there any difference? learn to be indifferent.


a new hello

Hello. I'm Kara... in case you aren't familiar.

i'm reinventing my internet presence. maybe i will be a little less divulging of everything from every crevice of my life. but i hope to not lose any personality in my struggle to be... well slightly more private.

as i love to take random photos i have added a fotolog to my blog.

also of note, this is the first post. this doesn't mean i'm new here. i've just hidden the last three years away. likely to resurface when google no longer knows who i am. but we don't need to be wiping dust off old remains.

*raises glass* here's to the documentation of randomness. new loves and new life for 2006.

<3 kara