Thursday, February 21, 2008

joy withdrawal

i think after a certain amount of exuberant joy there is the same coming down as with any other high. in the moments after there is insecurity. uneasiness. a feeling of drifting maybe. a lull. a slice of non-life. or so it seems. after you have been so happy. now in moments of just simple nothing. are you bored? do you reflect and question too much how legit the source was? do you question if you deserve it?

"deserve"

this word is startling to me. when used. when i try to decipher it in any meaning, in any sense really... it does not seem right. does anyone deserve anything? if not, someone cannot be unable to deserve something. too many negatives. the only times we get to use this i think is when we are talking of base things "deserving respect, life, liberty, happyness" etc. deserving of happyness. that puts a warped twist on deserving things in our egocentric minds. me me me. i deserve everything. everything will make me happy.

i go on tangents.

i wish my roommates tv had a lower volume. but i can't complain after last night. even though she doesn't work on thursdays.

snow storm tomorrow. snow reminds me of childhood. of those snowboots that went up to your knees, almost. the feet and feet of white clean powder that would collect between our homes and the bay. the city would sparkle. briefly. this is one of the few things i remember. things associated with my home when i grew up. of playing. of stray cats and pet squirrels. of our make believe foods (which were rather poisonous soups). good things. joy even. have always mingled with snow.

humans and their fascinations. if it sparkles. if it only lasts a moment. if its something we can't hold and keep to our hearts. we want it even more.

in the short term i have very strong visual memory. i think in the long term i have taught myself to forget most of it. things come back in pangs. good things, bad things. all the same its a pang of vision of scent of a sense of space and touch. of being back there. wide awake dreams. my mind fixates on some.

recent. a smile in a doorway. stuck in my head like a photo.
many others. fast motion brief slideshows. (i wish not to share.)
a conversation clip i can't remember word for word but i feel the sentiment. that desire to get what we deserve, eh. to make those brief moments of luster compound and collect and fix into place. memories into present. even if we run from permanence. i think we seek it. we seek its comfort. its calming space. (what was it? relaxing? no...)

sometimes i search for words for names for something in my head and i feel like the connection will never take. what is it, what is it? it screams. things flash up that are not right. and they get stuck on the tongue. and i can't seem to find it. till i give up and it floats up on its own. as if i'm remembering it for the first time.

everyone wants to feel good. we make moments. we make nests. we remember and try to repeat and bring forth that content feeling. sometimes we sleep too much. waiting.

i think its easier if we stop questioning so much. but we can never leave well enough alone. (as the saying goes.)

i for one, sleep too little. think too much (after the fact, mostly). and of course, desire everything. and the one thing i wish we had the ability to do was record our visual memories. or at least store them better. snapshots, videos, in the mind of things you saw and experienced... they are always better than the ones your camera catches. if only i had a genie and a wish.

~ amorette

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the intersting post, Kara. Just my thought, overanylzing anything destroys any positive connection to the subject. I've done this soo much in my past, and trust me, it never comes out good. Events/moments/memories that were bad just get worse and worse with reflection, and eventsa that seemed mostly positive can become tainted in the blinding light of over-reflection. And I don't know you well enough to speak authoritatively of course, but you seem to me to be a person who does deserve happiness, and good people in your life. And as for the volume control, well indeed yes, I wish tvs could be tuned more finely too. :) Especially the tvs of others! :)
And as always, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!!! Thanks again for the recent posts, and I hope you are well. If I could make a small request, please post a pic sometime? Although I know it's weird, I am always interested to see how your hair is, at the moment. Be well, Kara, sincerely, Chris

Anonymous said...

Hi Kara! It's nearly spring, YAY! Of course that means..soon..there will be no more snow in Boston. :( I hope you are well. Have a great week, Chris

Anonymous said...

Hi Kara! I hope you are having a wonderful week! Hey, I received an e-mail from Zootoo...it said it had come at your request. I just wondered if you did initiate the e-mail request? I will check out Zootoo...I just hoped this was something you were aware of, and not some spam thing that leached your address book. I love kitties (have 5!) so if this is a cause you care about, I will donate, to help them. Bye Kara, looking forward to your next post, Chris R.