Depression makes it hard to avoid having negative thoughts... since having overwhelming negative thoughts is basically the definition of being depressed. Everyone has been telling me to "be more positive." That never used to be something I'd hear. But I've never been down for so long. Yes after failures, or breakups I have gone through depressions. But not prolonged like this to the point where it seems my whole personality has changed. Yes, easy for you to say to look at the bright side. It's not easy for me to do that. That is the point: when you are depressed nothing looks positive.
I used my relationship as my positive pin. It was the thing keeping me hopeful. Now that it is gone, I've come loose. The depression has kept me from being able to be empathetic. It has kept me from being able to realize what was happening between us. It has kept me distant despite that not being my intention. For all intents and purposes, I appear changed, a different person, a person that is not fun to be around. I know this is not me, it is temporary. But it has been going on for so long it is hard for other people who have not known me my whole life to see that this is a phase and not a new state of being. I received my diagnosis midway into our relationship, so yes I'm not the same person you met on day 1. Not on day 1340. I'm struggling to be "me" again.
The PCOS diet is so hard to stick to b/c I just crave carbs all the time (literally constantly thinking of food!). My mood goes up and down with my diet. I was really good for a year there (christmas 2012-2013) with all the fitbit tracking and weight loss and exercising. I did lose 12-13% of my body weight. Then my weight refused to go down any further and I got upset and I stopped doing all of the diet control and then the eating and everything (mood, energy) went right down hill again. My doctors also applauded the weight loss and stopped fat shaming me, so my motivation dwindled. My boyfriend never mentioned my weight, but he is not one to criticize (or compliment), so that did not contribute any motivation.
The truth is eating crappy food makes me feel good when I'm eating it. I'm satisfying my craving. Ask me if I'm thinking about Doritos? Yes. Fried chicken fingers? Yes. Chinese? Yes, of course. You know the "honeycomb craving" commercial character? That's me. But as soon as I'm done eating it I feel like shit because my body does not like it (and I feel guilty). I feel like I'm going to fall dead asleep and could exist in a comatose state. I feel bad before I even get halfway through whatever I'm eating. Food control is a constant obsession that overruns every other thought of my day. ::what's breakfast? what's snack? what's lunch? what's snack? what's dinner?:: Being put on a 1200 calorie diet (nutritionist actually suggested less!) and told to exercise an hour a day is akin to telling you that you must be constantly hungry. I am constantly hungry. My brain is telling me I'm starving. This makes me more likely to be irritable and short tempered.
This is the me right now. I didn't used to be this way. I used to just eat whatever/whenever, and not care; if I wanted to lose weight I'd go to the gym for a month and it would go away. I have to get to know myself all over again. Working to control myself and the food-depression-cycle has made me stressed, unhappy and negative because I feel like my body is fighting me. I can't live the lifestyle I was used to. I can't drink a lot, I can't eat whatever I want, I can't behave like everyone around me. It made me jealous of people I used to be friends with. The jealousy is toxic. I now associate food with gaining weight, with losing hair, with losing sexuality/femininity, with failure. Its like a strange eating-mood-disorder.
This is a major contribution to the end of my last relationship. No one wants to talk about something that leaves them feeling unsexy and worried about their future health and their "womanly" characteristics. No woman wants to see their doctor shrug and say there is nothing else we can do and to just accept it.
As a scientific minded person I want to understand everything. I want to fix everything. Its not easy to look at things objectively when your emotions are part of it. When you feel you are out of control of yourself and your own body and there are lists of supplements and medications and treatments a mile long you get overwhelmed. I don't like to be the subject of the science experment. My linen closet has turned into shelves of experimental solutions. Nothing provides immediate results and there's just not enough time or money to run all of the possible solutions in parallel. Plus, that doesn't give you any valid experimental results.
I can try one thing at a time and wind up wasting time with no noticeable results. But in the end it all goes back to blaming the food. The food is the enemy. That's the beginning of an eating disorder talking. I don't want to be that food freak. Its turning out that I may just have to be that person to be a balanced person. I may have to increase the nuerotic food behavior to decrease the unwanted emotional behavior.
Life is not easy. You can't appreciate the good if there isn't any bad, right?
<3 amorette
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