shopping sampler

discovered a new to me local flea. got this sterling ring for five bucks... I think its handmade it has an odd little stamp next to the 925 mark... either a makers mark or an oops lol. did leave behind a claddagh ring I thought about getting but can't have everything! the background print is on my new jones new york cord skirt find at goodwill. somehow I knew it would be a perfect fit without even trying it on.

<3 amorette

just a wednesday

life has gotten in a groove. a summer groove. but luckily not the kind the bike tire gets stuck in and sends you toppling over.

its been really warm in boston and i've been visiting the docs a lot trying to get some kind of answers. but its hard to get answers out of them. they are trying to diagnose me with something that is not really a bad or scary thing but not a definite thing. in other words, there's no test to say that i do in fact have it and there's no set list of side effects. its an individual thing, to each his own. we've looked at my weight changes over the recent years and its been decided i need to lose some. i've known this obviously, i look at myself. so 10-15% loss and i might not have any symptoms. that was only around 15-23 pounds at first visit. so, not that bad right?

i joined a cheap gym. (i had decided the one at work was too expensive for the frequency i'd been going there) this ones closer to home. at this point i'm still not finding time to go often enough. the most i've gone is 3 times a week. so to make up for that lack of motivation i did not renew my t-pass this month. so now i'm bike commuting. put the $70 into fixing up my bike. its a cerca 1994 specialized hybrid, steel frame. put a new seat on, then needed a new seat post, then i realized the tires were probably original so replaced those, and the tubes. probably should have replaced the wheels but the bf tightened up some spokes so at least they spin truer.

so since i started riding mid june about 11mi+ a day (+ if i go out anywhere other than just work then home). so far 5lbs down. most progress i can remember in a while. (they tell me that's a side effect, but i don't like to displace blame) i had been using the 'fitness pal' website to track my food and gym visits and it swore i would lose 1lb a week but i continued to lose absolutely nothing (in fact i gained). but i was never able to force myself to work out at the gym everyday, its so drab and seems like a drain of hours of my life i'll never get back. at least i can bike everyday b/c i have to get to work. i don't need to persuade myself to do it.

i think i will take actual measurements once a month, to see if those change. i've never tried that approach before since just weight can go up due to muscle mass vs fat. i'm basically just using the gym for weights/weight related machines.

maybe this year it won't snow either & i can ride all winter... i wish.

we've had a lot of thunderstorms, as long as they are b/w 9-5 i'm ok ;p

i've been frequenting the local pool. its busy now. too bad they don't have a free indoor one in the winter, but i'd never want to go if its cold. i never used the gym pool. and like most people i really can't swim. not fast or in any orderly fashion anyway.

so now i just have to keep the focus. also need to focus on the condo and reducing my "stuff" and bringing some order to the place. its hard to keep it clean and sane in there with the roommate and the cat both making messes. and i just have too many clothes for my closet. i wish i had the room to put in a closet or the foresight to know i have too much and just buy a huge standalone clothes hanging rack instead of a dresser. its so hard to find things to wear in drawers, i've never gotten used it it and therefore don't wear at least 1/2 my clothes. i guess i had thought of this before... i was going to get an armoire, but a dresser was just so much easier to find.

i should be getting out and playing with my camera also, get some photos up here. wrap up the site etc etc. i wonder if that will ever happen?

<3 amorette

stay

despite it all i still believe we can fall in love
& stay in love

prove me right

please

<3 amorette

vanishing wallet

sometimes reading email feels like a job.

watching through my netflix queue is certainly sometimes a chore.

turning my room upside down looking for a wallet i KNOW i left on my desk and had my work ID in it (and who knows what else) that is clearly gone is definitely a pain in the ass. and. how could it be gone?

trying to eat an entire order of pad thai ... is impossible. and leaves me burping.

i love that it can be 5F outside and 90F (something like that) in my room. so i have the window wide open.

i wish i had a photographic memory. or at least a photo. (of those grins.) so i could pay attention and notice when it doesn't look the same.

a drummer moved in next door. and by next door i mean the building over. but it sounds like next door sometimes. but i think acoustic-midnight-singer below my bedroom is long gone. so i'll take it.

for the first time ever. i came into my building and the USPS man was outside in the truck, came in, and handed me a package, for me. impeccable. in a building with no doorbells we have to pick up our packages at the post office.

<3 amorette

american greetings

how about a greeting card

"i'm glad we never hit it off, i've met someone better"

"i'm glad you were too busy for a second date, i met someone who cares enough to make the time"

"thank you for thinking only of yourself and doing nothing for me at all, i've found someone who tries"

"thank you for being there when i needed someone, but now we really are just regular friends"

old box of memories

i've been glancing through the archives. they go 10 years back now. i used to think 17 was old, and i'd wasted so much time. and now i'm 27. i used to lament having no valentine year after year. and i probably didn't post about it the years i finally had one.

back when blogger began it was to post links to sites you had visited and discuss them. then it became a discussion of your day to day. snapshots of your life. then everyone had a blog. or maybe a livejournal or something similar. a script residing only on their own domain even. there was a time a lot of people read my blog. i had a lot of websites. i had rented a server. i had been a web reseller and designer. i spent a lot of time online. i spent hours and hours having 'friendships' with strangers. i mentioned their names here. or their screennames. or hinted at them. or they never snuck into my text. by now i've forgotten most of them. in fact recently one reconnected with me and i had no idea which ghost he had been, which story that had vanished.

and then i ran from that. there was a point at which i decided to not be such an "online" person. i think with the creation of facebook we could all use that. and we could 'manage' who could read our thoughts by choosing our 'friends.' we could 'microblog' and we didn't need these soliloquies in the dark. then of course twitter. which i don't use. and all these streams that repost whatever you say to various websites.

its not important in the end. its just talking to a collection of someones in the near-present. but you can't expect an answer. because its impersonal. its only meaningful to the author.

so i've been continuing for me. and probably one other lone reader out there. but we shall see. how it turns out.

just as we shall see if i have a valentine this year. and if i remember to post a smile.

~ amorette

flutter

i try to swoon on the inside
but i think he still knows

end of 2010

i feel like i'm back again. like its time. i'm a little under the weather. working on beating off cold #4 with a stick. (or bottles of juice vitamins and lozenges)

anyway my heart feels nearly full again. a little mended with scotch tape. but luckily not with scotch.

i do feel a little wobbly. like each fall makes me trust a little less.

speaking of falling, i've carried my bike into the apartment for the winter. the bruise from a couple weeks ago is finally yellow and fading. i feel less ugly. but only one person got to see it anyway. they must be special.

i'm hoping i'll find more luck in 2011. and work on myself and my hobbies. and making friends of the same gender (read: friends who won't break up with me).

i still don't feel this blog will get public, or publicized. but it will be here for those who know of it and for when i feel like sharing.

my 'hobbies' to work on for 2011 are...
-'event planning'
-volleyball & bowling skills
-making my wall hanging
-filling that canvas i bought months ago with color
-little watercolor paintings (animals? plants?)
-GRE & grad school application
-sailing and swimming classes
-hiking/getting out of the city groups/buddies
-planning trips (hawaii 2011, and smaller ones)

so if i have a new years resolution... its to find who i am. and this is what it seems to be each year. because i'm still not sure.

at the beginning of 2010 i thought i was the luckiest girl, i was very happy. and when you are happy you don't need to make plans, you don't need to think of how you fill the hours and how you will make your mark and get to your destination. then fall came. and my heart is always broken in fall. i was shocked and thrown for a loop. it physically hurt. i had a sore throat for 3 weeks. and then the colds one after the other followed. usually its one week in winter i get a cold, i'm used to it. i don't know what i did this year. i wore myself out. but even if its a small base, a tiny seed i'm finding, i'm feeling better and looking forward. but this time i think i should plan for myself. plan what i will do, regardless of who comes and goes in my life. because although i put people first in my requirements for happiness it seems that is not common and maybe some 'sensible' people have figured it out and all that sentimentality really is meant only for films and songs.

all these lyrics singing of people breaking up and getting back together... but that doesn't happen in real life. not as far as i've known. people break apart for a reason and cannot come back together. even if they aren't privy to the reason.

<3 amorette

tears

the only thing worse than a broken heart
is a terminal illness

he chose to look for more options
now i have to be alone

how does one know if you are 'meant to be'
he says he knows we aren't

i didn't want my life to be a country album
but it seems the men i choose
are not meant to stay

but oh they love me
so they say

and then they walk away

...

i've never seen a man shed so many tears
for something he's giving up

and no words can make me understand his choice
and no anger will come to quench the sorrows thirst

just an ache inside every hollow
a hurt greater than i can articulate

every step i take alone
that i could have shared in love

filled with loss

and every silence you used to fill
and empty pillows missing you

your face in my last memory
is long with agony
your small almond eyes large and moist
as you look down on the pain you caused

and to writhe and moan
seems the only thing i'm fit to do

curled up and missing you

my greatest love
the happiest chapter
turned to the greatest pain

~ amorette

waiting

i'm waiting for summer to be here. still wearing sweaters. wind was nearly blowing us over yesterday. its the day after the last day of classes here. its quiet. no one bothered to turn on the lights in the hallway. i'm holed in my office.

i can't remember my username for one of my hosting accounts. this is normal. i don't keep anything recorded anywhere anymore. i used to have a notebook of usernames and passwords. now relying on memory isn't working so well.

and now blogger is making me choose what to do with this whole *no ftp* deal. i suppose if i host it on blogspot that means not filling up the little space i get for free elsewhere. but it means a less streamline site. and simple is what i aim for.

especially when i never write.

i'd go back to paper. and posting photos of it. then we'd screw all this fancyness.

but jpegs take more space.

everything takes more space. u stub your toe more in less space. and i can fill every crevice with something. there's always something you have to have.

like a cookie jar that makes the jaws noise when you open it. how could you not buy that?

~amorette

what is the value of sentimental

i find myself coveting a purse i saw at UO today. the first thing i thought when i saw it was oh its on sale for $30 then i realized it said $39 and noted the original price of $88. they've been doing a good job of putting the sale price over the original price so you don't know how much its really on sale. but that may be unique to one employee at one location. so what runs through my mind is: what can i get on ebay for $40? name brand? does UO even sell brands that won't fall apart in 30 days? it says leather, but is it nice suede or rat suede? then i thought i didn't want to carry it with me. or since i was probably going to my bfs i didn't want him to see i bought another thing i don't need. but its gray suede with gray leather kind of latticed on top. the gold colored rivets i can do without b/c they will scratch and fall off. and the base is square so i'm not sure i'm fond of that. and the hardware is a fake sort of antiqued brass look. and the strap is almost too long for shoulder and too short for cross-body. all this goes through my head. but i'm always looking for gray leather (it seems hard to find as i only have 1 clutch i got at wilsons leather years ago that's beat up but i love it because its light gray, its soft, yet shiny - in the unworn spots.) but then i know i have a gray suede and red patent bag and a huge gray patent bag. the first of which i've never worn because i'm afraid to wear it without protectant spray and because i'm afraid the spray will ruin the patina on the patent. the second of which is more like carry-on size so its a bit huge for everyday and because its patent its a little delicate to shove in a lock box or over head bin.

anyway i digress.

my last thought was if i left without it i can't really want it. and made myself not go back this morning.

so today i was thinking of indexing all of my items. kind of like what you'd do to get an insurance appraisal. to remind myself of all the things i'm hoarding that i should be using more often or getting rid of. handbags, shoes, coats, pants that i think will fit again one day, etc. but i have been trying to get rid of things they just aren't selling at the prices i'd like to have for them. or for some things any price at all. and with all the percents taken out for paypal, listing fees and selling fees (depending on the site) and overpriced shipping i make back a lot less than i intended. craigslist isn't working as well as it used to with all the spam on there, counterfeit items, and people emailing several times but never showing up to buy anything. but really i want to keep everything. lol. if i could have a wall display of shoes and bags i'd be fine just looking at them. i can't see them in boxes so i don't use them. and eventually forget they are even there. until i can't find a spot to put something. they used to sell that little camera that took polaroids and put them on stickers. i need one of those to label my boxes of stuff so i know whats in there.

not to mention the endless toiletries and make up i've bought because it was on sale or from a hotel room (or i thought i might actually start wearing make up) but haven't managed to use.

~ amorette

idle days

when you're thinking ahead to stressful days to be. but nothing to do now. a lot of time is wasted. i think a month went by before i noticed the lack of energy. the lack of anything getting done. i don't know if its winter that's got me in a freeze. or the short days and long nights that have brought on the familiar melancholy and dragging of the limbs to get anything accomplished.

i've spent the last two days trying to get a christmas present set up so i can use it. a blu-ray player. they ship it without an hdmi cable. and i couldn't find the one i thought i had. so i'm waiting for amazon to send me one. so its plugged in but disconnected. and i hear it ticking. electronic heartbeat. it also wants to be connected to the internet. with a real wire. a physical attachment. oldschool. i'm thinking of getting a 50 foot cable and running it in. so much easier than the fight i've been having with the routers to get them to talk to each other. the belkin beat up the netgear.

my roommate comes home and turns out the hall light and puts her shoes in the bin. thats the only way i know she's home. when i look into the dark hallway. but maybe she didn't put it out today because it won't come back on. the bulb only lasted 2 months and we hardly used it. there must be something wrong.

i can't figure out my neighbors. undergrads surely. underage definitely. partiers of course. but why does one of them keep coming back to the apartment without keys and smashing open the door. maintenance has been here the past few days fixing it. its got patches all over it. metal. wood. nails. its kind of crazy. i'm amazed that the cleaning woman mopped the stairs and front hall today. and took out the trash bags someone left in the foyer. in my old apartment they vacuumed the carpet and steps every morning. that was a bit of overkill. but they never clean this place. the carpet on the first two floors has tumbleweeds of dust and dog fur. thats what happens when you try to save some rent. i'm sure a lot of places don't have cleaning services, but a lot of places don't have a maintenance company. you'd think in a place with one, something would get maintained.

at least the heat is back on. clanking away. i'm sure to wake up in a few hours in a sauna. but at least i can turn it off. the old apartment had no option. it was sweat or sleep outside.

good night internet.

~ amorette

time

fit me into this box
         where i am perfect
and love me
     i dare you.

there is always one person. we've loved briefly. with everything we have.
that we will think of fondly. through out our lives.
no matter how perfect the one we are with is.
and we will dig our claws in. to feel something else.
something other than some longing for a baby faced 20-something.
we knew when we were the same.
for a succession of moments.
but never knew again.
and never could know again.
time moves on. because it has to. or the memory wouldn't be so perfect.
and the clawing at what we still have wouldn't be so worth it.
& sometimes we remember. memories of pain are just as perfect.
reminders of what we once were.
but gladly... we don't have to be again.

* * *

but he is clear as the bright blue sky to me. he's been away 10 days and i already miss him too much. and its one of those irrational pit of the stomach fears that when someone is away they will stay away. its like breaking up if you don't see someone everyday. temporarily. but sometimes that's a good thing.

when someone asks me what my type is. i say i don't know i usually fall for someone who isn't commonly considered handsome. but in some offbeat way i find them entirely irresistible. everyone has their own brad pitt. hah.

i watched the benjamin button movie tonight. finally. i had read the short story it was based on a while back because it was one of those free ebooks that can be found online. can't say the movie matched the story line exactly. but it was a very short story and they pulled it off well. the make up they do in movies is always amazing. they make those ppl look so aged or so young whenever they want. when we all know how old the actors really are. if only we each had our own film crews to make us look glamorous. or hideous, on demand. film is the fountain of youth.

i'm sad to see that this host i am using only allows 250mb... i swore it was more before. but i knew one day they'd have to figure out how to make money off of people. once they are settled do something that will drive them to pay. but i can always post the txt on blogger and put it in a frame on the page or something i suppose. i looked at an old page i made before. used to spend so much more time on this. it looked really good w/framesets. i should do that for this layout. then just put the blogspot page in a frame. ahh... how we used to work around things back in the day. coming back to me now. i've got close ties with frugal.

~ amorette

keeping secrets

we get so good at keeping secrets. that sometimes we forget we have any.

in films they will have the couples diverge their silly secrets and then announce that now they have no more secrets so everything will be perfect. they are finally one unit.

but maybe we should keep secrets. so we remain our own entities. maybe we shouldn't share all of the same desires and passions and interests. maybe in fact we should disagree on whether to listen to marley or deathcab. maybe its ok classical music gives me a headache and you like to listen to it before bed. no one after all really wants to be best friends with themselves. that's just what we say when we are lonely.

so i'm certain there is a seasonal mood swing that occurs. maybe without even knowing it things change just because of the weather. like this damn rain we've been having. for weeks it seems. and it not just seems that way, i think that's the truth. in spring we had weeks of 85 degree summer weather. and then weeks and weeks of rain. and now it is technically summer but the rain continues. and this damn mood swing has developed. so usually the only thing that can get you down in the summer is the humidity. the damp sweaty feeling you can't escape. recently i'm getting that in my office, because the heat is perched at 83.1 and it won't relent. the thermostat is useless. and its a reoccurring event that never seems to be fixed for good; like that drip-drip leak from the ceiling that fills buckets each time it rains. good thing the weeks of rain have at least been mostly misty weather and not all out downpours. this isn't like boston, to be so wet. either way, i've been on edge lately. angry at no one, but you'd think it was at you.

at least i can't get angry at a blog. or maybe i can, but it won't hold a grudge.

~ amorette

tonight is the kind of night...

you feel like talking to air.

or internet, as it may be.

yesterday it was gorgeous out. i went back to my old college campus to visit my sister and some old and new friends in my sorority. i am very nostalgic about that place. it hasn't been long enough for nostalgia to kick in but there's no other way to describe it. i like that its set in a hick town. that they have cows and horses and sheep and 4-H chicken shows. today is was raining and foggy. but the fog has that way of settling. makes me wish i had a camera that could pick that up. or at least hadn't forgotten mine so i could try.

why do farm animals give you these looks like they are so sad. i think we just associate big eyes with sad. and they just have big eyes. but still. i think they may have just wanted treats. but i'm pretty sure they don't want me feeding horses treats. i might give them jelly donuts. cafeteria ones no less. those will cause some destruction.

when i'm driving around the area of campus i just get these memories of the people i hung out with and where i used to go. i miss living with so many people i enjoy hanging out with. and just doing whatever all the time because we're just in the same place. but its not really possible to recreate that. now its workday. weekday evenings spent by myself. weekends spent with the boyfriend or on excursions to visit CT friends or family. i don't really have a new life here other than all my crap. my apartment i wish i could change. and the boyfriend. but maybe i do and i just wouldn't realize it until i left. and came back to drive around.

not that i'm leaving anytime soon. maybe i need to admit that i'm here for a while. and then i'll settle. and grow some roots.

wish i could find a damn apartment with roommates i got along with and more space and a place for the car. i guess that's really much too ask for without forking over more cash. but would it be worth it? it might be worth it just for more fridge space.

amorette

trembling

so I keep websites like relics of the past. like those paper journals I stopped using after my first real affliction with blogging. I still have several beautiful paper journals I'm not sure will ever get filled with anger and sobs, joy and misappropriated love. and a few others I deemed theme journals with a few scant entries. one was going to be a catalogue of my history of lovers. but that'd be slow going as now they are more like long novels and less like sitcoms with overlapping broadcast times.

so yesterday I got an email, well checked my email for the first time really since our long failure of a trip to the east. well really we had Internet access but I was in the midst of ignoring the existence of the world, which includes spam. so the email was a notice that trembling was expiring, or by last night had expired, but of course I could not let it stay that way. one day I will add to it so I will continue to keep it. at least this is what justifies the expense.

I have slipped into a nonchalantness recently. bordering on a desire to completely alter my life. I get into these cleansing phases. that really all in all sort of represent themselves as bouts of minor depression.

I am still fighing off el gripe de Japan as I will call it. and next time I am in japan in winter I will make sure not to try to tuff it in a sweatshirt.

anyway off to pay attention to my boyfriend; the idiotic typing of this ipod is driving me nuts.

amorette

and now i ramble...

Eagle Beach, Oranjestad Aruba

such a pretty picture... it is now my desktop at work. can't believe i'm going there with the entourage in 1 week!! its been 2yrs (i think!?) since our last vacation (bermuda). although there will be less of us present we will try to have just as much fun :) life should never get in the way of vacations with your best friends!! hehe. ok /end rant.

life has been full nowadays... its great. i still do find times of boredom. but life can never be without its empty spaces. i do still wish i was made of money. was more confrontational. was more awake. and could take off fridays from work. that'd make so many 4 day weekends instead of just 3. although 3 is OK. its not a great utilization of vacation days. hehe. but this only comes about because the bf is encouraging travel and overbudget expenditures... must save money... but i never do save as much as i could. $7 for lunch out because i'm too lazy to make it in the AM (don't want to wake up... still not a morning person no matter how hard i try). and then there are sales and things i want (because i always want something) and i spend there (while i convince myself i'm "saving"). and then people come to visit and i spend because i have a job and they don't or because its rare they are here and i want to go do things... and everyone knows doing stuff = not saving $$. and then i want to go visit friends for reunions/parties (college friends when we have something planned and sorority sisters once a month if i don't already have that weekend booked in boston/aruba/hawaii/etc.)... which costs that famous $4+/gallon + tolls + fees for whatever we're doing... so i throw down what maybe $100-200 on those 2 weekends. probably about $200-300 on things i don't need. then with rent and parking at $550. internet and phone at $65. at the high end that's about $1100 a month not including food... which leaves me about $1000 to pay down charge cards & loan (i finally payed off my loan!! so i was happy... till they sent me a letter telling me the interest rate dropped more than 2% which makes paying it off fast less critical and i still have 5k of it on a no interest intro-CC to pay off). so i'm living on the brink like our "young professional" once over-achiever now over-slacker and over-spender "generation" (or w/e we are).

at least i haven't purchased gas in about 3 months probably. (go carbon footprint... bullcrap) i should have stocked up then. altho keeping gas stocked up anywhere is not a safe practice.

so i had wanted to say but i forgot. the entourage (aforementioned group of college friends) had planned on a hawaii 2008 excursion but as the prices for that were enormous we settled for less enormous fees for a 2 bedroom suite in Aruba... thanks to Cate and her Disney vacation connections this will cost us about $250 each a week i think... which even saves us over even the cheap hotel (priceline bid, "3 star resort") ry and i are staying at in Kauai, HI for one night. but this is fine with me because now i'm going to Kauai in August... so I should start working on my tan for Aruba.

lol. me, a tan. thats funny. although i think my arms are having some sort of sun shock from the few hours i've put them through over the past week because they are freckled and doing an odd flakey business. nothing a little after-sun lotion didn't fix. i love that banana boat stuff. priceless. if only it came in a travel-size. i will have to move it into one. pumps do not pack well in suitcases. unless you want a goo flood... altho somehow i did manage to bring it to bermuda. but it didnt have to go through luggage for too long (no flight).

so my parents brought up the huffy (read: bike) july 4th weekend and suped it up with a new wide-butt seat with no slash in it (original one was slashed from the box-cutter in kmart... hence bike-on-sale!) and i finally took it out for a test ride last night with ry. first time i rode it since high school i imagine. its held up pretty well. the only rust i saw was on one of the pedal "arms" (or whatever you may wish to call them) and its still got paint. woo! paint! so i was thinking about ordering up some fenders with the remainder of my amazon gift card... and the geese reminded me of this. needless to say i ran over some of their gifts they leave on bike trails (and grass and anywhere they go) and it splashed up on the back of my leg and my next pedal made a cold squish feeling on the back of my knee... eww! so i will have to remember to get fenders for it i s'pose. now i just have to figure out what kind. and i guess i'll have to clean goose shit out the fenders every once in a while. the duckies were being cute in a massive line down the little inlet of a river next to the charles. there were some independent minds straying from the pack but there's always the black sheep, or duck as it may be, in any group of conformists. which reminds me of the McDonalds ad i hate in which they tell us that we should be nonconformists by eating chicken on a biscuit for breakfast at McDonalds... since when has McDonalds flow free of the pack? its probably more american than apple pie and mickey mouse. or at least just as much so. although they certainly are attempting to market themselves and "global" and "hip." they really should just remind us that their salty greasy food isn't all that cheap but it is addicting, like doritos. and addiction gets us every time. mmm grease that we associate with tasting like meat.

and i leave you now, with that wonderful thought. that maybe someone will find and read one day.

~ amorette

joy withdrawal

i think after a certain amount of exuberant joy there is the same coming down as with any other high. in the moments after there is insecurity. uneasiness. a feeling of drifting maybe. a lull. a slice of non-life. or so it seems. after you have been so happy. now in moments of just simple nothing. are you bored? do you reflect and question too much how legit the source was? do you question if you deserve it?

"deserve"

this word is startling to me. when used. when i try to decipher it in any meaning, in any sense really... it does not seem right. does anyone deserve anything? if not, someone cannot be unable to deserve something. too many negatives. the only times we get to use this i think is when we are talking of base things "deserving respect, life, liberty, happyness" etc. deserving of happyness. that puts a warped twist on deserving things in our egocentric minds. me me me. i deserve everything. everything will make me happy.

i go on tangents.

i wish my roommates tv had a lower volume. but i can't complain after last night. even though she doesn't work on thursdays.

snow storm tomorrow. snow reminds me of childhood. of those snowboots that went up to your knees, almost. the feet and feet of white clean powder that would collect between our homes and the bay. the city would sparkle. briefly. this is one of the few things i remember. things associated with my home when i grew up. of playing. of stray cats and pet squirrels. of our make believe foods (which were rather poisonous soups). good things. joy even. have always mingled with snow.

humans and their fascinations. if it sparkles. if it only lasts a moment. if its something we can't hold and keep to our hearts. we want it even more.

in the short term i have very strong visual memory. i think in the long term i have taught myself to forget most of it. things come back in pangs. good things, bad things. all the same its a pang of vision of scent of a sense of space and touch. of being back there. wide awake dreams. my mind fixates on some.

recent. a smile in a doorway. stuck in my head like a photo.
many others. fast motion brief slideshows. (i wish not to share.)
a conversation clip i can't remember word for word but i feel the sentiment. that desire to get what we deserve, eh. to make those brief moments of luster compound and collect and fix into place. memories into present. even if we run from permanence. i think we seek it. we seek its comfort. its calming space. (what was it? relaxing? no...)

sometimes i search for words for names for something in my head and i feel like the connection will never take. what is it, what is it? it screams. things flash up that are not right. and they get stuck on the tongue. and i can't seem to find it. till i give up and it floats up on its own. as if i'm remembering it for the first time.

everyone wants to feel good. we make moments. we make nests. we remember and try to repeat and bring forth that content feeling. sometimes we sleep too much. waiting.

i think its easier if we stop questioning so much. but we can never leave well enough alone. (as the saying goes.)

i for one, sleep too little. think too much (after the fact, mostly). and of course, desire everything. and the one thing i wish we had the ability to do was record our visual memories. or at least store them better. snapshots, videos, in the mind of things you saw and experienced... they are always better than the ones your camera catches. if only i had a genie and a wish.

~ amorette

i noticed today

i noticed today that i had picked up some breakfast bars made by this coffee shop i went to once in pittsburg. reminded me of that time. hit a little somewhere inside.

i've been melancholy all day.

but the weather was great. and i bought new gym shoes. and a new comforter. and threw out two pairs of shoes (i can't remember the last time i did that). and the old comforter is sitting atop my closet shelf 6' up. pending garbage or what i do not know. always seems a shame to dispose of things which are still useful. but i would have to clean it to give it away. and in a few minutes i will collect my 3 loads of laundry. sadly i have at least 3 more to do. laundry never ends. just like the repetitiveness of hunger and fatigue and day to day to day.

wish i had more to say to keep conversations going forever. so there wouldn't be that lull at the end of a good sequence of hours. the face falls slack. the sad thoughts and fears are allowed to come back. then its time to go back to your box that contains all your possessions. that is your life. this is what i am. see it. its clean. its tidy. its warmly colored. but its empty. its still empty.

its a problem of options

so how do you know who is the one? since we are only allowed one. at least one at a time. now that the internet may simplify the problem of a lack of options (for those blessed with the skill of the self portrait) it is now a problem of options available in rapid succession.

and its a two way road. we both have this. or we may initially assume we are equally as desirable.

its jump quick catch cling hold on and ride it out.

or what is it?

bait wait mull toil dig urself a little ditch and stick with the one who falls in.

sometimes thinking builds knots and coils in my stomach.

wanting makes me feel i haven't enough oxygen. no matter how slow and deep i breathe.

if i shake it up enough maybe something will rise to the surface and the rest fall out of view at the bottom.

patience is often not an option. not when oxygen is thin.